tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-222635262024-03-13T22:41:42.203-04:00The Heath LedgerAmerica's Least Favorite News Source ... your local satirical specialists from the burgeoning metropolis of Heath, Ohio. T. Leachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14650601772832393486noreply@blogger.comBlogger454125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-36845126834224325502022-02-09T13:51:00.001-05:002022-02-09T13:55:28.406-05:00Man calls in sick to doctor's appointment.<p>HEATH, OH — Joseph Bloom, 59 of nearby Buckeye Lake, has called in sick to cancel an appointment with his general practitioner, Dr. Arthur Guanciale of Indian Mound Health Associates. </p><p></p><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiI9EIz3f-C2Szm9CcyvTInbgbOGaCNTcNWsMidvDk7SfqVO8JlRlVdCTOblKXW6oA679aMM8KwTvXZALTH89r5ZAquA1bJK-EWwGehcfjc7VI6Hw5KFrG39oByr5LaIPWfxxJk1VFujRMk67LHoPby2aJskgnplXa0YyIn2F28S6rN-fdC5NU=s794" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="707" data-original-width="794" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiI9EIz3f-C2Szm9CcyvTInbgbOGaCNTcNWsMidvDk7SfqVO8JlRlVdCTOblKXW6oA679aMM8KwTvXZALTH89r5ZAquA1bJK-EWwGehcfjc7VI6Hw5KFrG39oByr5LaIPWfxxJk1VFujRMk67LHoPby2aJskgnplXa0YyIn2F28S6rN-fdC5NU=w271-h241" title="Artist's rendition" width="271" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Artist's rendition.</td></tr></tbody></table>"I just couldn't make it. I feel so crappy." moaned Bloom, seated at a near-45 degree angle in a well-worn recliner in his living room. <p></p><p>"I wish I could just feel better. That would make going to the doctor's office so much easier. Like, I'd be able to get up, get outside, get in my car, drive there, and then see the doctor."</p><p>Bloom then coughed and cursed his predicament. </p><p>"I don't have a clue why I feel so bad. I wish there was someone who could solve this mystery and get me moving again."</p><p>The Ledger reached out to Indian Mound Health Associates for a response. In return, they texted a ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ emoji.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Known Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029003649395214104noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-38361627013850611622021-02-23T23:13:00.001-05:002021-02-23T23:13:57.127-05:00Activists petition to change name of George Washington Carver<p><span style="font-family: times;"><a href="https://blackinventor.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/georgewashingtoncarver902.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="639" height="237" src="https://blackinventor.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/georgewashingtoncarver902.jpg" width="189" /></a>ST. LOUIS, MO — A newly-formed activist group, Black Names Matter, has circulated a petition at Change.org to change the name of pioneering scientist and inventor, George Washington Carver. Carver pioneered over three hundred uses for peanuts and many more for soybeans, pecans, and sweet potatoes.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: times;">"Imagine, to be named after that ... racist slaveholder." bemoaned Austin Normal. Normal, 22, is the current Student Body President at Brandeis University and claims to have two black friends,.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: times;">Normal drafted the petition after learning about Carver in his Advanced Racial Attitudes and Healing class. </span></p><span style="font-family: times;">"Dude was actually born a slave! I mean, his parents must've been the most ironic parents ever. Ugh." chimed Jessica Hannigan-Barnes who recently signed the online appeal. Hannigan-Barnes is currently an intern at Conde Nast Publications and an aspiring social media apology mentor. She has over two thousand followers on her Instagram account, which features how-to videos on pairing the right handbag with the proper choice of hard seltzer.<br /></span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: times;">The ingenious Carver—who made little wealth from his advancements—engineered <span style="background-color: #fafafa;">adhesives, axel grease, bleach, buttermilk, chili sauce, fuel briquettes, instant coffee, linoleum, meat tenderizer, metal polish, paper, plastic, pavement, shaving cream, shoe polish, synthetic rubber, talcum powder and wood stain, all from peanuts, or maybe some from peanuts. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: times;">The group hopes to get enough signatures to legally and posthumously change Carver's name to Tyrone Washington, effective immediately. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: times;">"I'd imagine he'd pick a name like that if he had a choice over his black body," said Mackenna Breckinridge, another early signer of the petition. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: times;">The group has set up a GoFundMe in order to pay for court costs and to purchase a new headstone for Carver, er, Washington at his burial site in Tuskegee, Alabama. </span></p>Known Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029003649395214104noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-19236844643615291242020-08-21T15:17:00.000-04:002020-08-21T15:17:09.270-04:00Nation's gunmen demand schools reopen<div data-en-clipboard="true" data-pm-slice="1 1 []" margintop="16" style="margin-top: 16px;"><b><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hYOPw7xJTr4/X0AdA7fqbUI/AAAAAAAABK4/iDVstDZbAEwY7tGS5cHMJctG1VUzjWOmACLcBGAsYHQ/s1632/16KskAU.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1632" data-original-width="1224" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hYOPw7xJTr4/X0AdA7fqbUI/AAAAAAAABK4/iDVstDZbAEwY7tGS5cHMJctG1VUzjWOmACLcBGAsYHQ/w150-h200/16KskAU.jpg" title="Aspiring shooter" width="150" /></a></div>UNITED STATES</b> - While our right to pursue happiness continues to fuel the spread of coronavirus throughout the country, many schools have delayed reopening or have chosen distance-learning over in-person education.</div><div><br /></div><div>This has put additional undue strain on people--moms and dads forced to juggle employment and childcare, as well as our nation's school shooters, a group as forgotten as a pile of dead children, who've been forced to decide between doing something productive with their lives and continuing to masturbate to hate-spewing Russian bots while living in their parents’ basements. </div><div><br /></div><div>"What am I supposed to do, stew some more?” One easy-to-spot societal problem said. “It's hard to stay angry for this long. I need to kill some people now."</div><div><br /></div><div>While many schools have failed to reopen, an equal number have rolled the dice, mostly in states where the citizenry portray their anger against wearing masks as a love of freedom, not the absence of responsibility. </div><div><br /></div><div>“This has got to start! I am losing my motivation here.” Another psychopath with eyes too close together said while stroking the barrel of an assault weapon. “I need to cut loose on some innocents and get my name on CNN. First. Middle. And last.” </div><div><br /></div><div>Future forgotten lunatic Anthony Michael Thomas added, "I hope we can get back to some sort of normalcy real soon." </div>T. Leachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14650601772832393486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-88484776621567421002020-06-02T15:34:00.002-04:002020-06-02T16:15:32.209-04:00Target Corporation mulling over name change.MINNEAPOLIS (MN) — The recent wave of nationwide rioting and looting in the wake of the tragic murder of George Floyd has one retailer rethinking their brand.<br />
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Target Corporation, whose department stores have been the, um, well, target of wanton destruction and theft in their hometown of Minneapolis and several other locations across the nation, is considering drastic steps to overhaul the company's iconic name and logo.<br />
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Also caught in the midst of a viral pandemic, Target executives have been virtually meeting via Zoom calls to determine the rebranding's next steps.<br />
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"We put a gosh dang bullseye right on the front of the store! It's like an open invitation!" asked a clearly shaken Brian Cornell, CEO of the United States' 8th largest retailer. It was unable to tell whether Cornell was overtaken by emotion or simply had a poor wifi connection.<br />
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Several names are in consideration, but an early frontrunner is an unwieldy but to-the-point Mess With Us and We'll F**king Kill You!<br />
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"Let's just say it sends a message that our previous name was unable to convey," said Executive Vice President, Chief Marketing, Digital and Strategy Officer Rick Gomez. "And instead of the trademark bullseye, we are kind of hovering around a stylized middle finger."<br />
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Gomez continued: "It certainly spices up conversation and is memorable." He then put a fluffy teal scarf on and assumed the identities of two millennial women mid-discussion. "Oh, where did you get that cute scarf? ... It's soooo cute, isn't it? I got it at Mess With Us and We'll Fucking Kill You!"<br />
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As of press time, there was no indication of the timeline for the official unveiling of the new brand.<br />
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<br />Known Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029003649395214104noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-26865515894628767042020-05-28T16:11:00.000-04:002020-05-28T16:45:36.728-04:00Unwitting first responder performs ass-to-mouth-to-mouth resuscitation<div data-en-clipboard="true" data-pm-slice="1 1 []">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">VAN NUYS, CA - A 911 call at 4:36 in the afternoon sent responders from Station 98 scrambling into action. A ladder truck and ambulance raced 8 blocks, sirens wailing, to a nondescript office park where they found a naked woman in cardiac distress.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />Firefighter Johnny Swanson, 29, was part of a CPR double-team. His partner pumped the naked woman's chest as he breathed air into her set of lungs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />"I noticed she had massive breasts." Swanson said. "For a second I remember thinking, man, I wish I was doing the compressions, but Billy beat me to them. Then in between breaths, I noticed the naked guy with a semi-erection in the corner, all the lights and cameras. I was, like, what the hell is going on here?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />What had been going on there, minutes prior, was the feverish fucking climax of a movie titled, <i>Paralysis by Anal, Sis</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />"I thought she was foaming at the mouth." Swanson said, his eyes somewhere far away. "It wasn't foam."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />The hero first-responders managed to bring Jillian J. Jugs, 34, back to life. She was transferred to Valley Presbyterian where she remains in stable condition after undergoing a battery of tests and enduring the advances of the guy who changes bedpans.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />Swanson has been prescribed a course of antibiotics but has found no effective treatment for warding off the playful ribbing of guys in the firehouse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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T. Leachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14650601772832393486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-10021710430016473032020-05-22T09:00:00.000-04:002020-05-22T22:26:52.024-04:00<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bXIPFH3sem0/TGVSmS9X_pI/AAAAAAAABA0/PHWqgNg60QEs0ZvC28T7tVaC0-tz79YXwCPcBGAYYCw/s1600/petty_grievances_lrg.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: normal;"><img border="0" data-original-height="117" data-original-width="350" height="106" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bXIPFH3sem0/TGVSmS9X_pI/AAAAAAAABA0/PHWqgNg60QEs0ZvC28T7tVaC0-tz79YXwCPcBGAYYCw/s320/petty_grievances_lrg.png" width="320" /></span></a>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Hey’all, longtime NASCAR driver Kyle Petty here. I’m here to talk about this Covid-19 lockdown business. I don’t know if you’ve ever been locked down before, but I can tell you from experience, thanks to a certain older sibling, it’s not a lot of fun. I’ve been forced to socially distance myself at least two laps down on some occasions. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt;"><br />I know a lot of you good people have been furloughed or laid off. It’s not fun not working — and I should know. I basically had my career quarantined by a guy who makes Gretchen Whitmer look like a Fellow from the Mises Institute. Tyranny comes in all shapes, sizes, and mustaches. And you wonder why some guys end up with a nickname like “King.” I’m a citizen, not a subject! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt;"><br />You try bein’ under house arrest in Level Cross, North Carolina. There’s only so many times you can take out from Hardee’s. I’ve had everything on the menu … twice! My cholesterol is probably redlining on the backstretch of the speedway of my arteries, to wax pathetic.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt;">Wise Janis Joplin said “Freedom is just another word for nothin’ left to lose.” Well heck y’all, I had to lose a lot so a certain overbearing relative could put more feathers in his ridiculous cowboy hat. Now the only thing I have left to lose is this prodigious coiffure. I ain’t had a haircut in over 2 months and I’m starting to look like Crystal Gayle on Pop Goes the Country!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt;">Now, I’ll tell you a one-size-fits-all approach ain’t the right idea for the whole dang country, just like it ain’t the right idea for a racing team. Heck, in Level Cross, our idea of public transit is hitchin’ a ride with the Mayor. So I say it’s time to let the people make their own choices and decide for themselves. Thanks to a certain motherbrother, it’s a real foreign concept around here! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 11pt;">Well, that’s all for now. Stay safe and keep drivin’ y’all!</span></div>
Known Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029003649395214104noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-32780402738443096122020-05-05T15:32:00.002-04:002020-05-05T15:32:41.729-04:00The Department of Pulling-Numbers-Out-of-Your-Ass thrives during pandemic.WASHINGTON, D.C. — While Coronavirus-related lockdowns and quarantines have quashed business activity across the nation, there's one place where the 'new normal' is busier than ever.<br />
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The oft-used but little mentioned U.S. Department of Pulling-Numbers-Out-of-Your-Ass (USDPNOYA) is bustling. Normally used for government accounting, the group has now been shifted to help epidemiologists estimate Coronavirus caseloads and death rates.<br />
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"We've been working around-the-clock coming up with new numbers, just to make people feel better, or to scare the hell out of them." admitted Department head Walt Underwood."It depends on the day, really."<br />
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When asked why this type of work was not being done remotely, Underwood explained: "These fingers aren't going to count themselves!"<br />
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After indeed counting a co-worker's fingers (and thumbs), Underwood opened a blank Microsoft Excel spreadsheet titled "Covid-19 Stuff" and began typing random numbers into cells.<br />
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"By our calculations, I think we'll see about 600,000 new cases per day, give or take 450,000."Known Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029003649395214104noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-64349082341349364082020-03-28T21:35:00.002-04:002020-03-28T21:35:35.871-04:00Our continuous lack of coverage of the Coronavirus ... continues T. Leachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14650601772832393486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-30436497181741511372020-03-02T17:59:00.003-05:002020-03-02T17:59:51.711-05:00Ledger Up-to-the-Minute<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Man calls in sick to doctor's appointment.</span></div>
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The forty-eight-year-old white man in Wu-Tang t-shirt for some reason.</div>
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Morbidly obese nurse practitioner takes Hypocritic oath.</div>
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Known Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029003649395214104noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-40715837360407979172020-02-23T21:00:00.002-05:002020-02-23T21:01:58.332-05:00Neighbors still celebrating Lazy Orthodox ChristmasNEWARK, OH — According to a certain rodent from Pennsylvania, spring is just around the corner. The calendar is in the waning days of February. Saint Patrick's Day is on the horizon. But none of those facts have deterred the Jennings family at 842 Oak Court from celebrating the little-known Lazy Orthodox Christmas.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-arVLnlqU1O4/XlMt1RmIKbI/AAAAAAAACF0/Ez0L2OuAObk3fdWXgMItXrSTWcv0f9K3QCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Christmas-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="427" data-original-width="639" height="213" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-arVLnlqU1O4/XlMt1RmIKbI/AAAAAAAACF0/Ez0L2OuAObk3fdWXgMItXrSTWcv0f9K3QCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Christmas-1.jpg" width="320" /></a>Most Orthodox Christmas celebrations often begin and end within the first week of January, several days after the more common traditional Christmas. However, Lazy Orthodox—a splinter group of Eastern Orthodox Christians—rather than celebrate a week or two after December 25, tend to continue celebrating well into the third month of the new year.<br />
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For followers of this obscure faith, their trees may remain up, and outside decorations may still prevail long after the last winter snow, or the first buds on trees emerge.<br />
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For the Jennings, those still-prevalent ornaments and long-since-fallen-over grapevine deer are a testament to their unyielding faith. To others, most notably their immediate neighbors, it's an eyesore.<br />
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"I don't think it's real. I think it's crap. They just are too busy sitting around on their fat asses to take down their lights." shrugged next-door neighbor Nan Wheatley.<br />
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The Jennings take offense at those who don't believe that they believe.<br />
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"Baby Jesus wasn't even born in December. Shepherds don't keep their flocks in the fields in December. He most likely was born in the summer or fall. You can tell Nosy Nanny Wheatley that Yukon Cornelius blow-up will be gracing her front-porch view until Labor Day!"<br />
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<br />Known Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029003649395214104noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-40438430592887134312020-01-27T12:53:00.000-05:002020-01-27T12:53:44.619-05:00"Beyond Human" - a new plant-based option for compassionate cannibals<div data-en-clipboard="true" data-pm-slice="1 1 []">
<b>NEW YORK, NY</b> - A new, plant-based human flesh substitute is getting thumbs up in cannibal communities around the world — from remote man-eating tribes in the jungles of Africa to back rooms of certain Chinese restaurants along New York's Lower East Side.</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pgA3jIRBNjQ/Xi8ja2GejfI/AAAAAAAABHk/0M8Iilb3tBo87m5FI31KSuQbXlAyW5JRwCK4BGAYYCw/s1600/Beyond%2BHuman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="112" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pgA3jIRBNjQ/Xi8ja2GejfI/AAAAAAAABHk/0M8Iilb3tBo87m5FI31KSuQbXlAyW5JRwCK4BGAYYCw/s200/Beyond%2BHuman.jpg" width="200" /></a>"Beyond Human" is a pea-based plant protein, with a blend of assorted proprietary ingredients, that tastes like actual human flesh. It's designed for cannibals with a conscience, those who love that rich, meaty human taste but deplore the way human beings have been treated, like, by serial killers and bad parents. </div>
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"Look, I still enjoy eating people." One anonymous cannibal said. "I just don't like how people have been raised, locked in mental cages, or on the couch in front of the television. I will admit though, a sedentary lifestyle can create a wonderful marbling effect." </div>
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"I like my human flesh raw or frozen, like you'd enjoy as one of few survivors of a plane crash high in the Andes." Another cannibal said. </div>
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Such cannibals will have to wait. “Beyond Human” is only found in Caucasian flavor on the black test market. </div>
T. Leachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14650601772832393486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-4411245508922054612019-12-31T09:30:00.000-05:002019-12-31T09:30:00.179-05:00Jihadist group disappointed in Facebook "Year in Review" VideoWHITEHALL, OH — The waning days of December often provide a time for reflection on the past year. For many, it's a time for fond memories. For a local jihadi group, it was a social media letdown.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hvEGalgR120/Xgool-Ci82I/AAAAAAAACCc/7rj_tvE9_1IDTf7RaQ4fQrYrYQoBWz18wCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/CCaX412VEAAF9If.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="392" data-original-width="600" height="130" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hvEGalgR120/Xgool-Ci82I/AAAAAAAACCc/7rj_tvE9_1IDTf7RaQ4fQrYrYQoBWz18wCLcBGAsYHQ/s200/CCaX412VEAAF9If.jpg" width="200" /></a>"It was demoralizing to see how little we had blown up in 2019." said leader Abdul Abu-Jones.<br />
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The group did manage to destroy an infidel's Tesla Model X, but that was of little solace. "That happens all the time, even without an incendiary device." Jones lamented.<br />
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"We burned some godless texts, but we did it a large trash barrel during a cold snap, so no one noticed."<br />
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The group also lit up the Central Ohio midsummer night with quite an explosive show, but sadly, it was mistimed.<br /><br />
"We should have done it on July 5th or 6th. I mean, there were some 'oohs' and 'aahs' and some polite applause, but no submitting to the will of the Caliphate. Disappointing."<br />
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Abu-Jones declined to share the video to his wider friends network, instead only posting it on the private Facebook Group, SHHBOOM! (Stay at Home Husbands of Bexley Working Moms.)<br />
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Fellow cell member Hamzi Al-Abedi tried to access the video via his mobile phone but accidentally detonated a nearby IED, killing himself.<br />
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Abu-Jones was happy to note that at least next year's video will start with a bang.</div>
Known Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029003649395214104noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-89987182233077070262019-12-30T11:34:00.000-05:002019-12-30T11:34:08.801-05:00Local woman pens refreshingly honest Christmas letter. SHAWNEE HILLS, OH — Friends and extended family members of one Chantel Hamilton, 63, of Shawnee Hills, Ohio were shocked and dismayed when they opened the annual "Auntie Chantie" Christmas letter this holiday season.<br />
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Her wide eyes scanning the sleek cursive handwriting, cousin Alberta Hamilton stood dumbfounded in her kitchen as the words "Well my no-good creepy-ass son is back in jail for trailer park peeping." sprang unrelentingly from the page. She found little relief as the letter continued "and my daughter is still hitched to that asshat Klansman. Sure, he's in the Rotary, but he's also in the Klan."<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MNjeWdaS8vY/XgomvO4EQuI/AAAAAAAACCQ/tBD71hEP-Ywe68GX7bV237PUWh1vVKwwQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/GettyImages-116361465.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="724" data-original-width="482" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MNjeWdaS8vY/XgomvO4EQuI/AAAAAAAACCQ/tBD71hEP-Ywe68GX7bV237PUWh1vVKwwQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/GettyImages-116361465.jpg" width="212" /></a>The letter's other startling revelations include Chantel still misses her dead husband Pat but not as much thanks to her new "friend" Mister Bullet (and his five speeds), her new daughter-in-law smells funny, and pop sensation Lizzo is "over-fucking-rated." <br />
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Nephew Jack McCluskey of Farmington Hills, Michigan was disappointed to find that his beloved aunt referred to his favorite college football team as a "sack of hog shit covered in weeping boils that deserve to rot in the eleventh circle of hell for eternity." <br />
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He referred the letter to his therapist, who has seen similar displays of truth bombs<br />
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"Age has stolen much of Mrs. Hamilton's social graces and as a result, she lacks the devices necessary to construct an artifice of joy and success around her family so many others are adept at this time of year," he said, referring to a stack of his own leftover Christmas cards showing he and his wife and two daughters in a complete fabrication of joy.<br />
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He then collapsed into a pool of tears.<br />
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The letter ended with "You are all rotten people in your own special way. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!"Known Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029003649395214104noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-68763364160538541872019-12-16T09:00:00.000-05:002019-12-16T13:36:08.897-05:00 Ballet-dancing activist works to shed industry of "L-word."PLAIN CITY, OH —Local ballet dancer Britney Hudson won't stop dancing until the ubiquitous industry term leotard is no longer in use.<br />
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Hudson is holding a one-person Dance-a-thon in her parents' rec room to call attention to what she finds is a "demeaning and an out-of-date word."<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Plié-se just stop.</span></span></td></tr>
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The Oxford dictionary defines the term in question as "a close-fitting one-piece garment, made of stretchy fabric, that covers a person's body from the shoulders to the top of the thighs and typically the arms, worn by dancers or people exercising indoors."<br />
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The garment is named after French trapeze artist Jules Léotard, who popularized the attire in the early 20th century.<br />
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"Maybe this Leo guy was learning-challenged or something." Hudson continued, mid-pirouette. "And frankly, anyone still using this word is well, they're uh, probably retarded."<br />
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Hudson's brother Josh, 32, who lives in the Dance-a-thon location, was initially confused, "L-word? I thought she was talking about lesbians, and I thought, who doesn't love lesbian ballerinas? That one part in Black Swan was hot."<br />
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Hudson plans to continue dancing until her demands are met, or she gets really dizzy.<br />
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<br />Known Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029003649395214104noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-33978265697179953942019-11-25T09:28:00.002-05:002020-01-31T13:42:03.290-05:00Rapper Lo-T not in the mood to "hit that." TUSCALOOSA, AL — The 47-year old veteran rapper Lo-T admitted he was just 'not feeling it' after a recent concert in Tuscaloosa, Alabama last Sunday night—leaving 4 or 5 groupie bootys untapped.<br />
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"It's a real letdown, but he is old enough to be my dad." shrugged relatively new fan Shaniqua Robinson, 22.<br />
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"I'm just exhausted. It's all this touring. It really takes it outta me." T, grunted as he got up from a couch in his tour bus. "My back aches, my knees pop. Everything is falling apart."<br />
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T also copped to being more addicted to purple pillz than purple drank. "My GERD acts up real bad every night."<br />
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T admitted that he still loved the ladies, especially that Janet Evanovich, telling this reporter "That ho can spin a good yarn."<br />
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The clearly drained T retired to his bed carrying her latest novel, <i>Twisted Twenty-Six.</i><br />
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"I hope my package from Roman comes soon, maybe that will help."<br />
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<br />Known Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029003649395214104noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-10552534315967384722019-11-14T10:30:00.002-05:002019-11-14T10:34:30.075-05:00Middle-aged man drops antacid.<div data-en-clipboard="true" data-pm-slice="1 1 []">
<b>COLUMBUS, OH</b> - Keith Bullock, 55, of Westerville, took a trip back in time recently, courtesy of long-time Led Zeppelin tribute band Zoso.</div>
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"It was totally awesome." Bullock summarized. "I could've sworn it was Robert Plant up there ... Then again, my vision is going. Could've been Da<span style="text-align: center;">vid Spade."</span></div>
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Just before the show, Bullock surreptitiously removed a small plastic bag he had tucked into his boxer briefs to get past security. </div>
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"Zantac." He said to an all-too-close urinal mate, before tossing his head back and swallowing them like the seasoned reflux sufferer he is.</div>
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Bullock explained he could afford to take no chances after consuming a giant slice of pepperoni pizza and 2 overpriced beers. </div>
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"I can't have the levee of my esophageal sphincter break in the middle of the night and disrupt my beauty sleep, now can I?" Bullock asked, pointing to a face that could certainly use some sleep. "I gotta work tomorrow." </div>
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T. Leachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14650601772832393486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-47576553451270715812019-10-17T10:10:00.001-04:002019-10-17T10:10:59.695-04:00Barrier reef without adjective may never be "Great."
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<b>PACIFIC OCEAN</b> - A barrier reef in the Pacific Ocean is coming to terms with the fact that it may never be Great. </div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Fg5m6rAPzdc/Xah0NCGmwrI/AAAAAAAABGc/g9tAjacQIf44RZaVIPCByztC881-nO5QgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Reef.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="499" data-original-width="750" height="132" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Fg5m6rAPzdc/Xah0NCGmwrI/AAAAAAAABGc/g9tAjacQIf44RZaVIPCByztC881-nO5QgCLcBGAsYHQ/s200/Reef.jpg" width="200" /></a>"We've got one of those. Sorry" Oceanographers sent in a terse response to a petition received by the still just-ok barrier reef.</div>
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The reef submitted a cogent argument as to why it should take its rightful position at the top of the reef chain, listing "sheer size ... rather healthy coral system ... teeming with life ... and hardly polluted" as evidence of its greatness. </div>
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Later in the application the reef was so bold as to call itself "The Rainforest of the Sea." </div>
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"While we appreciate your application, and frankly marvel at your penmanship, we must decline your application at this time." the rejection letter continued. "Please reapply when the Great Barrier Reef is completely dead, which shouldn't be long now."</div>
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The reef without an adjective says it plans to reapply when global temperatures rise a bit more, bleaching more coral.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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The Great Barrier Reef could not be reached for comment as it is out for repairs. </div>
<br />T. Leachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14650601772832393486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-26425034991367060602019-10-10T09:04:00.000-04:002019-10-10T09:06:44.749-04:00Blues put Stanley Cup-kissing herpes outbreak behind them to start the season<div class="p1">
ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI - The defending NHL Champions are nearly back to full strength after a Stanley Cup-kissing herpes outbreak left the team nursing cold sores the entire summer and into the first week of the regular season. </div>
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"We didn't understand the perils associated with sweet victory." Blues forward and series MVP Ryan O'Reilly said. "This was our first championship, so next time we'll know." </div>
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There’s a reason that white-haired doofus who carries the Cup everywhere wears gloves when he touches the thing, and it's not simply to keep the Cup spotless.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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“I tea-bagged some champagne in that thing.” Cup-winning forward for the Washington Capitals, Alex Ovechkin said, “But I didn't use tea bags. I used my nuts! Get it?" Ovechkin said he'd give anything just to stroke it again. "The Cup, that is. Mostly."</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bsPk4YDrvZA/XZ8r5cWTDjI/AAAAAAAABGM/30ddgehtu8wC-cF73CX_LFyFhx0e386VACK4BGAYYCw/s1600/the%2Bcup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bsPk4YDrvZA/XZ8r5cWTDjI/AAAAAAAABGM/30ddgehtu8wC-cF73CX_LFyFhx0e386VACK4BGAYYCw/s200/the%2Bcup.jpg" width="200" /></a>Tradition has the Stanley Cup passed from player to player on the ice immediately after its been won, with each member of the winning team taking a twirl around the ice with the Cup held aloft. One player would give the Cup a kiss before passing it to the next guy who would plant one on it and so on. </div>
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At some point, the guys all take a shower together and then a couple days later participate in a pride parade through the city. </div>
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Each player also gets to spend an entire day with the cup listening to the white-haired doofus say things like, "You should probably wash your hands. I wouldn't do that if I were you! Be careful! Watch out! That's not a stripper pole!" And, of course, "You're going to catch a disease." </div>
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Good luck to all the teams competing for a chance to hoist the Cup this year. </div>
T. Leachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14650601772832393486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-32441160370954966412019-09-27T13:32:00.002-04:002019-09-27T15:21:43.616-04:00"We have a hard enough time making people sick with lunch and dinner."<h3>
Chipotle CEO says no to breakfast at fast-food chain.</h3>
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gPz-jpEib4s/XY5GbY9c6QI/AAAAAAAAB_c/dIlJ4BO69OUvYSTge4u3sLtqkNds_s0JQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/1200px-Chipotle_Mexican_Grill_logo.svg.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1200" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gPz-jpEib4s/XY5GbY9c6QI/AAAAAAAAB_c/dIlJ4BO69OUvYSTge4u3sLtqkNds_s0JQCLcBGAsYHQ/s200/1200px-Chipotle_Mexican_Grill_logo.svg.png" width="200" /></a><br />
NEWPORT BEACH,CA — If you're hoping for a breakfast burrito from Mexican fast-casual restaurant chain Chipotle, you'll have to wait quite a while.<br />
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"I wouldn't hold my breath. I mean, you'd die." said Chipotle CEO Brian Niccol. Niccol says that there are no plans for Chipotle to offer breakfast at their 2,500 locations anytime soon.<br />
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"We don't want dead customers. We just want sick ones."<br />
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The chain has pioneered ways to make people sick after eating their food since 1993.<br />
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"Our food scientists are hard at work right now devising cool new ways to get E.Coli and Listeria into your many Chipotle favorites. Even if you just order a Coke, you may end up convulsing in pain and well, shitting water for 72 straight hours." Niccol bragged.<br />
"I came from Taco Bell, so I know all about how to make people sick via food."<br />
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Food marketing experts like Ryan Myers were at a loss to explain why the number one name in fast-casual food poisoning would not want to explore the rich breakfast landscape.<br />
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"I don't understand. You would think that undercooked eggs would be the best place to find a new source of E. Coli that would have your customers heaving all over the place. Frankly, I'm surprised Jeni's Ice Creams doesn't offer breakfast cones."Known Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029003649395214104noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-78724824468499419082019-09-25T17:13:00.001-04:002019-09-25T17:13:30.602-04:00Area fat-ass has literal chip on shoulder <div style="-en-clipboard: true; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ksEEExV42Xw/XYvX_lwoYjI/AAAAAAAABF0/d2kMRSYESVMH8Sm2q0RhD-3Zst72dgSSgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Chips.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="280" data-original-width="334" height="167" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ksEEExV42Xw/XYvX_lwoYjI/AAAAAAAABF0/d2kMRSYESVMH8Sm2q0RhD-3Zst72dgSSgCLcBGAsYHQ/s200/Chips.png" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif;">LIMA, OHIO - BREAKING NEWS - A minute ago, Todd Simpson, 26, was spread out on the couch </span><span style="font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif;">watching replays of Saturday's college football action and </span><span style="font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif;">stuffing his face, as usual, when his roommate walked into the room. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif;">“You've got something on your shirt.” His roommate said. “Right there. Your shoulder. It's a chip. On your shoulder. My god, how perfect! Oh, dude. Did you just eat that? Who knows where that shoulder's been — I mean apart from holding the refrigerator door open so you can get more shit to jam into your pie-hole ... Look at the size of you. Good god, man. You’re a disgrace.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Fira Sans", "Droid Sans", "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif;">“I love you too.” Simpson said, never taking his eyes off the television. </span></div>
T. Leachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14650601772832393486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-70001314549472307212019-08-30T08:51:00.000-04:002019-08-30T08:51:06.304-04:00Local man downloads wrong fitness app. LEWIS CENTER (OH) — Now in his middle years, Lewis Center man Gary Sullivan has put on a few too many pounds.<br />
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"I wanted to lose weight but felt like I couldn't go it alone."<br />
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A gym membership seemed out of the question for a busy father trying to make college tuition a reality for his three daughters.<br />
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His wife pointed him in the direction of a myriad of fitness applications for his smartphone. She suggested Under Armour's go-to calorie and exercise tracker My Fitness Pal, which has been downloaded by over 40 million people.<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CDN7RKMF1Tc/XVsTzf3wVeI/AAAAAAAAB-A/5JnLYHF5d9QHQDBUEzG0itY_t2G-KwmYwCLcBGAs/s1600/pajamas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1368" data-original-width="1600" height="170" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CDN7RKMF1Tc/XVsTzf3wVeI/AAAAAAAAB-A/5JnLYHF5d9QHQDBUEzG0itY_t2G-KwmYwCLcBGAs/s200/pajamas.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man in the striped pajamas.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
However, Sullivan had mistakenly downloaded the much less popular "My Fitness Nazi"<br />
<br />
"I get 12 calories a day, and for some reason, the weekly exercise task is building a railroad in a cave with my bare hands. I don't know how much more I can take."<br />
<br />
To the app's credit, Sullivan has lost an astonishing 56 pounds in 17 days.<br />
<br />
"I wanted to get my abs back. But guess what? I also have ribs and cheekbones now."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Known Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029003649395214104noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-81502491269395178762019-08-20T11:59:00.000-04:002019-08-20T13:11:33.314-04:00Cuomo: "Don't you dare compare our family to The Godfather or Sopranos. Or I'll have you whacked." <b>ALBANY, NY</b> - New York Governor Andrew Cuomo issued a stern rebuke to those who have compared his family to famous Italian mafia families from popular culture. Cuomo's father, Mario, was the former three-term Governor of New York, and his brother, Chris, is an anchor on CNN. The family is no stranger to unfounded Italian stereotypes.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6-4ygV_mVLk/XVwXJ9ny5iI/AAAAAAAAB-Y/uZlAUAFWWMImdXLtwLEGDZEJkjsLCpikACLcBGAs/s1600/gf55m-cl1-suit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="753" data-original-width="1341" height="179" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6-4ygV_mVLk/XVwXJ9ny5iI/AAAAAAAAB-Y/uZlAUAFWWMImdXLtwLEGDZEJkjsLCpikACLcBGAs/s320/gf55m-cl1-suit.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Governor in his office in Albany.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
"Don't you dare compare us to them. It's not fair. You do that, and you might find yourself at the bottom of one of our fabulous Finger Lakes."<br />
<br />
The Governor's comments come after his younger brother Chris, was confronted by a man who called him "Fredo", after the character of Fredo Corleone, from the Mario Puzo novel <i>The Godfather</i>. In the novel, Fredo is seen as the weaker sibling with low intellect and a feeble will who, rather than follow in his family's political footsteps, chases a career in the news media, reading teleprompters and displaying a stunning lack of curiosity for a third-rate news network only watched by those held hostage at airport terminals.<br />
<br />
"We reject Italian stereotypes," Cuomo added, flailing his hands about wildly. "Anyone who thinks they can come up in here, to my family, to the family, and cast aspersions on our heritage have another thing coming. And that other thing is most likely an unfortunate auto accident at Watkins Glen or getting-too-close-to-the-railing from the majestic viewing platform at Ithaca's enchanting Rainbow Falls. I love New York! And you can too, provided you don't cross the Cuomo Nostra."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Known Unknownhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15029003649395214104noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-40205495470356091402019-08-19T10:30:00.000-04:002019-08-19T15:50:26.241-04:00People expect more from Art Installacion <div style="-en-clipboard: true; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">WESTERVILLE, OH - </span>Arthur J Installacion, 43, has trouble living up to expectations. Some would say he brings it on himself. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iO6n7g95lQ8/XVqxs_sTjFI/AAAAAAAABFg/PlgHz5JW8jQA5Tbxjn8yc2K650YCA2ZWwCLcBGAs/s1600/images-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" data-original-height="194" data-original-width="259" height="149" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iO6n7g95lQ8/XVqxs_sTjFI/AAAAAAAABFg/PlgHz5JW8jQA5Tbxjn8yc2K650YCA2ZWwCLcBGAs/s200/images-1.jpg" width="200" /></span></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">"Please, call me Art." </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Co-workers gather outside his cube, stare, and then say things like, "It's not doing anything for me." Or, "I think it's a statement on the relative lack of power we all have in vaguely latino but also maybe white, male, corporate America." </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">"This isn't art." </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">"I am Art!" </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">"All I see is a middle-aged latin-American guy in ill-fitting clothing." A woman from accounting said. "Is it meant to represent the people at the border stuffed in cages? I think it's left to interpretation, like all good art." </span></div>
<h4 style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Art Installacion will be on display at the corporate offices of Chase until roughly 5pm this evening. </span></h4>
T. Leachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14650601772832393486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-27087112963677273392019-07-29T09:00:00.000-04:002019-07-29T13:30:51.164-04:00The ball on this guy.<div style="-en-clipboard: true; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<div style="-en-clipboard: true; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Cn_JlPoq5fI/XT2sGvWObOI/AAAAAAAABFM/IAH9PD5XEVQVrW0B1J0h5gyliaLXrMHewCLcBGAs/s1600/douche.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Cn_JlPoq5fI/XT2sGvWObOI/AAAAAAAABFM/IAH9PD5XEVQVrW0B1J0h5gyliaLXrMHewCLcBGAs/s200/douche.jpg" width="200" /></a><div style="-en-clipboard: true; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">COLUMBUS, OHIO - You wouldn't know it by the way he carries himself, with testosterone on his sleeve, but Mike Campbell has but one testicle, the other lost to cancer. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">"They call me Juan Pelota." Mike points out with a giggle. "Get it? Pelota is "ball" in Spanish and I have but 'Juan.'"</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Yeah. We got it. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">"But it's a really big Juan!" Mike continued. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Okay—</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">"Seriously, dude. It's huge ... Like a football. With the scar it's even got laces." </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">"He may have one nut," a female coworker was quick to point out, "but he's a complete and total dick. It's like he's never looked in a mirror before. No idea where the confidence comes from." </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">"You'd think he has 3 testicles the way he struts around." An underling reported. "He really puts the "cock" in cock of the walk."</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">"What can I say?" Campbell says. "While I'm half the man I used to be, I'm still twice the man you are!" </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The ball on this guy. </span></div>
</div>
</div>
T. Leachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14650601772832393486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22263526.post-21651700210766736542019-07-12T14:19:00.000-04:002020-02-04T08:05:34.955-05:00According to poorly written condolence, heaven has gained a new "angle." <span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">HEATH, OH - In an effort to put the
extent of his grief into words and comfort the family of recently deceased
Heath woman Charlotte Russell, 29, a local man summoned all the powers of his
high school diploma to put into words precisely what this loss meant
to him. In an online guest book, Kurt Simmons, 30, of Heath wrote that "Heaven
had done gained a new angle this week." </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br />
Without a character count-limit the condolence rambled on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"><i> "Me and Charlotte were
kind a thing back in the day. She may have mentioned me. Such a sweet ass.
Sorry for your loss. She was an absolut (sic) champ in the sack. We're all put
on this earth for a reason. i think that was hers. I hope you take some comfit
(sic) in that. Thank you. " <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">"The internet is kind of new
territory for us," a spokesman for Graves' Funeral Home said. "We
didn't have the foresight to include a 'delete' option for our online
condolences. Mr. Simmons's words will echo in the afterlife forever, we're
afraid. We're terribly sorry." It's not all bad news however. Charlotte's
grandmother has glaucoma and will soon be completely blind or worse. She'll
never read a single word of it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Our condolences to the Russell
family. We wish we had known Charlotte personally back in high school. </span></i></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
T. Leachhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14650601772832393486noreply@blogger.com