Monday, June 4

Has Sheryl Crow ever seen one of my dumps?

Global Warming/Celebrity Hysteria
COMMONTATOR: Jerry Turkle, retired delivery truck driver

Sheryl Crow, you know, that singer who shacked up with Neil Armstrong for awhile? Well, anyways, it seems she's got her panties all up in a bunch (she at least wears underpants, correct?) about this global warming jazz, and as a result, she thinks all us should just use one piece of toilet paper to wipe our asses after we lay some pipe.

Seriously, Sheryl? I know you Hollywood types and your weird organic friends don't really eat, but have you ever looked at a real man's rectal output? I mean, after two days of Arby's and a half dozen Hostess Fruit Pies, one square of flimsy toilet paper is like David standing up to a giant turd-encrusted Goliath, but without the rock and slingshot, sister. Let's
just put it this way — you'll be ready to hand me a mega roll of Bounty after you lay eye on what kind of havoc I can reek on average domestic plumbing on a daily basis. Constrict me to one sheet of Charmin, and load up on the clothespins for the nose and the Twenty Mule Borax with Super Bleaching power for my tighty whities, honey.

Listen, sweetheart, do us all a favor and use that piehole for more singing and less pontificating on asswiping, okay? Actually, I've heard "Soak Up the Sun", so maybe you'd be best served by just shuttin' up completely. Turkle Out!