Local man rents The Last of the Homohicans ... “by mistake.”

Newark, OH - James Pendergrass, 38, was recently questioned by his wife of 11 years about the tape she discovered in the couples’ bedroom VCR.

According to the tape’s sleeve, suspiciously positioned on the end-table by the tissues and hand lotion, The Last of The Homohicans, a film by Maxxx Orbison, promises to make James Fenimore Cooper roll over (and then bend over) in his grave!

“I didn’t know. I thought it looked interesting. I'm into history.” Pendergrass said, throwing up his hands. “Besides, I don’t really see anything wrong with two people loving each other — on horseback, in a gently babbling brook or some abandoned teepee.”

After convincing his wife to see for herself before passing judgment, Mrs. Pendergrass had to admit, “The scene where they ‘go down’ in the valley was really quite breathtaking.”

Local man died doing what he hated.

Powell, OH - The body of George Stanley, 41, was discovered early Saturday morning, pinned beneath his mountain bike at the base of a small tree near Alum Creek, about three hours after leaving the house to get in some exercise.

Mountain biking is really kind of stupid if you think about it, especially if you’re a grown-up.

“There was nothing George despised more than mountain biking.” An occasional neighborhood riding partner said. “And for good reason, I guess. I mean, look … it killed him.”

According to family members, doctors told Stanley to get off his ass and lose some weight or a heart attack was a very real possibility. In retrospect, exercise may have cost him precious years with his beloved wife and five children. Still, they take comfort in the fact that he died doing what he hated most.

“The things he loved would never have killed him. Not directly, anyway.” His wife Connie said through tears. “Poker. Pornography. Dungeons and Dragons. Whittling. When was the last time those things killed anyone?"

County authorities immediately rejected a proposal from Stanley’s friends and family seeking to rename the trail he was on at the time he went ass-over-tea kettle from “Mountain Biking trail” to “The George F. Stanley Mountain Biking Sucks and Can Kill You If You Lose Control and Slam Into Those Trees Mountain Biking Trail.”

Ghost of gerbil haunts area man’s rectum.

Columbus, OH – Like most of you, Joseph Freeman, 39, an industrial equipment salesman from Hilliard, experimented with his sexuality in college. Freeman’s experiences though, quite literally, haunt him to this day.

Back in 1988, while a freshman pledge at an undisclosed fraternity on the campus of The Ohio State University, Freeman used a duct tape-reinforced paper towel roll to guide an unsuspecting gerbil into his anal cavity.

“I had been drinking.” Freeman felt the need to point out.

30 minutes after the gerbil had tunneled in, a large, horrified crowd of fraternity partygoers were summoned to help extract the gerbil, which had succumbed somewhere in Freeman’s oxygen-deprived descending colon.

“Flounder called for a pool cue and a coat hanger.” Freeman recalled. “I must have passed out. That’s the last thing I remember.”

After the incident, Freeman immediately transferred to Penn State.

“My rectum is haunted to this day.” Freeman said. “Sometimes, late at night I can feel it moving around in there, nibbling on the walls of my intestines. It’s not a good feeling … it used to be. But it’s not any more.”

The Ledger has hired a paranormal investigator/gerbil whisperer in an effort to make contact with the furry spirit and set it free from its earthly intestinal prison. Freeman sincerely hopes it works.

“I’d love nothing more than to have its spirit up there instead, turning that big exercise wheel in the sky.” He said through tears.

Diagnosis: Gross.

Heath, OH — "Disgusting."

That's how local dermatologist Dr. Jay Fasson 'diagnosed' Judy Underwood's mysterious rash on her forehead.

"He really chose not to elaborate about what it might be. I suppose if I wanted a condescending remark, I could've asked my garbageman ... or my husband."

Despite Underwood's misgivings, Fasson sent her away with prescription in hand, one that has apparently quelled the disgusting rash in question. Still, she's not the only patient who wonders about Fasson's lack of specificity.

Fasson's other 'diagnoses' have ranged from "Holy crap" to "ewww" to throwing up in a nearby trash can.

Then again, Fasson doesn't seem himself as your typical dermatologist. Fasson says his unique diagnostic sensibilities stem from his rich commitment to patient care.

"It's all about efficiency, really ... patients really don't care what's wrong with them, they just want to know there's some kind of pill or medicine to take care of it. I like to keep it simple for them."

New patient Laverne Farmer found Fasson's style to be a bit alien and disconcerting.

"One look at this strange festering sore on my abdomen, and all he did was shudder and recoil. Next thing I know, I was checking out of Rite Aid with some kind of mystery salve. I'm beginning to wonder if he's even really a doctor."

Pete Mosco, on the other hand, enjoys Fasson's brevity.

"He gets you in and out. I like that." Mosco then showed our reporter a weeping boil on the side of his neck, to which the reporter replied "Gross."

That's what the doctor said, then he handed me a prescription for ... mar ... zi ... pan?" Mosco squinted, trying to decipher Fasson's stereotypical chicken scratch.

Mosco then headed directly to the bakery, er, pharmacy.

Blind country-western singer unable to find microphone.

Plain City, OH – There were a few awkward moments at the Plain City Pub last night, and we’re not talking about when that black guy came in to ask for directions or the brother-sister make out session in the back corner by the restroom. We’re talking about when the blind country-western singer took the stage and was briefly unable to find the microphone.

Man, that was funny.

“I heard people shoutin’.” Blind country-western singer Darrell Diamond said. “But they were all shoutin’ at the same time. ‘Over there!’ ‘No, over there!’ ‘What are you, blind?’ … That kind of thing.”

Diamond, 35, has been touring the area as a country-western singer for the past four years, and has been walking around blind for the last 35. This is the first time in all his blind country-western singing days he’s ever been unable to find the stage microphone.

“You’d think it would happen all the time, being blind and all. But they usually hook me up with a headset microphone or just say, ‘Darrell, take three steps that way, turn right, then five steps forward and you should bump right into it.’ This time all they said was ‘get the hell out there, boy!’”

After a couple minutes walking around the stage with his arms outstretched like some kind of blind zombie, Diamond finally bumped into the stand, sending the mic to the floor. He bent to retrieve it just as a beer bottle whizzed by his head. He finally managed to corral the fucking thing, stood, tapped it with his hand then asked, “Is this thing on?”

Diamond then commenced with the blind country-western singing. And we’ll be darned. That boy can sing.

Overuse of Gold Bond Powder disrupts area man’s natural chafe-fighting abilities.

Westerville, OH – John Bonitati loves summertime, with its extra long bike rides and weekend softball tournaments. But it wasn’t always this way.

As temperature would rise, so too would excess moisture, pooling around Bonitati’s privates to create a veritable breeding ground for bacteria and ball-rot.

“I don’t worry about it so much now. Gold Bond has menthol for itch relief, plus Zinc Oxide to soothe and protect.” Bonitati said, reading from the label. “I just roll my boys around in that awesomely refreshing powder - like I’m flouring up some chicken cutlets - and once that cooling-action kicks in, I’m ready to roll."

Chafing is always a concern among men, especially in and around the body’s natural folds and crevices … down there. Problem is, Bonitati is applying and reapplying Gold Bond all day long, and it’s starting to interfere with his natural below-the-belt cooling system.

Doctors have urged him to cut back.

“John isn’t allowing his body time to adjust and adapt to swampy conditions.” His doctor said, ignoring doctor-patient confidentiality. “If he’s not careful, he’s going to have to use that stuff every day for the rest of his life.”

At dinner, John excused himself to use the restroom. “He isn’t going in there to powder his nose, I’ll tell you that much.” His wife complained, rolling her eyes. “He wonders why I call him numb-nuts.”

JESUS: “It’s going to be a little weird coming back, man.”

Heaven – In an exclusive interview with the God-man, Jesus H. Christ told The Ledger how He feels about His impending triumphant return to Earth. And as you might expect from someone absent from the physical world for 2000-someodd years, Jesus revealed there are mixed emotions.

“Things have changed so much since I paid the ultimate price so that you and all who come after you can live.” He said pointing an accusatory finger, then running a holy hand through His hair. “Everything except my hairstyle, that is! But hey, look man, you have to remember, I was rocking this thing at least 1970 years before Dan Fogleberg and all those cats.”

Talking to Jesus, it’s clear He’s a man who enjoys His conversation. And I guess if you’d spent the last two thousand years listening to people ask for money, health, the location of their car keys and what have you, you’d have a lot to say as well.

“The one I’m really tired of is the ‘Oh God, if you can just get me through this latest binge, blah, blah, blah… I swear to you, I’ll never touch another drop again and come to church every Sunday’ … Yeah, right.”

With so much to oversee, Jesus admits it’s hard to stay focused.

“Dude, check these out.” He said, hiking up His toga to reveal the latest Kobe Bryant-endorsed high-tops. “I could’ve run to and from Galilee with these babies on … You wanna play some hoops? I’ll spot you.”

After a few games of HORSE, in which Jesus made miracle shot after miracle shot, including one that involved swallowing the ball and then firing it out His rectum, Jesus shook a few crumbs from his pocket, snapped his fingers, and prepared a 12-course meal.

“Could you pass the blood, my child?” Jesus asked from across the table before waxing nostalgic. “You know who I miss? … Blind lepers. Those guys were messed up, man! I’ll tell you, these 2000-plus years have just flown by. I turn 2042 this year!”

When pressed, Jesus refused to give an exact time for His glorious return.

“I can’t tell you exactly when it’s going to be ... but look busy!” He said, stifling a chuckle. “God, I love that one.”

Homebuilder not happy with work of 'ulterior decorator.'

POWELL, Ohio — Custom homebuilder Jake Geary isn’t seeing eye-to-eye with his client’s choice to help design the look and feel of their new home.

Ryan and Katie Keller hired new Powell resident and ‘home decoration consultant’ Shirley Schwartz to help design the interior and a few exterior touches of their stately new home, which sits at the end of tree-lined Deja View Drive.

"I fear she is slowly but keenly turning this house into a replica of the Brady home on The Brady Bunch." Laments Geary, who feels Schwartz’s vision for the home conflicts with his own.

Indeed, the Keller home has a kitchen with orange countertops, double entry doors, and an exposed staircase, upon which the decorator implored the family to pose for a photograph, each one standing on sequential steps.

Shag carpeting and large dark wood panels accent the main living area. Live-in housekeepers quarters are just beyond the kitchen, even though the family currently does not employ a live-in housekeeper.

Much to Geary’s dismay, future resident Katie Keller is excited by the design decisions. “It’s so retro in a strangely familiar way. It feels like my childhood in here.” Keller also intimated she had a suddenly odd craving for pork chops and applesauce.

"At first, I thought the suggestion to astro-turf the entire backyard was based upon low maintenance and resiliency. Now, I can see it was just another ploy to make this house into the Brady house! It’s madness."

When reached for comment, Schwartz said that if Geary had any complaints, he would be best served by filing them with her attorney and new boyfriend, George Glass.

A quick Google search reveals that Shirley Schwartz is an escaped mental patient from Sherman Oaks, California and is indeed the granddaughter of Brady Bunch creator Sherwood Schwartz. She is also not a licensed interior decorator.

Area man dies, expectedly.

Heath, OH - Heath’s favorite 102-year-old, Victor Walberg, finally passed away yesterday after a prolonged, roughly 40 year illness.

Despite his advanced age, some friends and neighbors are only now coming to grips with his passing.

“I thought Victor died like 10 years ago.” Neighbor Doris Kingswood said. “I really can’t believe it.”

Mr. Walberg was born in Columbus, Ohio, back in 1907. He graduated from St. Hilda’s College in 1930, then worked in the garment business for a time before going on to serve his country overseas during World War II.

Returning from war, Mr. Walberg married Ida (Mark) Walberg. They had three more children. Yada, yada, yada. Ida died in 1968 and Victor became a drain on the family and the entire healthcare system.

Mr. Walberg’s ashes were scattered by an oscillating fan before he could be transported to the crematorium.

Local high school graduate believes he’s actually accomplished something.

Westerville, OH – Westerville Central graduate Colin Thompson is on top of the world. Last Saturday, he was among 125 who took the stroll across the stage in cap and gown to receive his high school diploma, an incredible achievement if this were 1952.

Laughably, in 2009, Thompson believes he’s reached the summit and achieved greatness. He thinks he’s fully prepared for the “real world," having showed up to school five days a week between the hours of 8AM and 2PM to chase skirts and put forth little to no effort in the classroom.

It all makes perfect sense though in this, the age of entitlement. Why, there are no losers here. Everyone wins! Nice try and all that. This is the new America, where mediocre shit-bags like Colin Thompson are expected to “give back” because everything they have, including that high school diploma, was given to them, not earned.

Nice job, Colin. Good luck to you. Before you take a year off to backpack across Europe, be sure to get good and drunk at your graduation party. You deserve it. The least mommy and daddy can do is supply you and your underage friends with some alcohol. You worked so hard.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, some Japanese kid is attending school year-round, just finished building his very first brain and is this close to discovering a cure for cancer.