Friday, January 29

Area scientist refutes Van Halen’s claim “Everybody Wants Some!!”

DUBLIN, OH – Eugene Stone, a chemist at Marysville’s Scotts Miracle-Gro Company, has been conducting research in his spare time to refute the claim rock band Van Halen made on track 2 of their classic 1980 album Women and Children First, “Everybody Wants Some!!”

“For thirty some-odd years people have been walking around humming this tune thinking it’s true.” Stone said. “I couldn’t allow such nonsense to be perpetuated any longer.”

After taking a seat in his office and declining an offer of tea, Stone blurted out, “Aha! You DO NOT WANT SOME tea. Disproven!”

Upon pointing out the ‘some’ the song is referring to is probably sex, Stone blanched.

“Buh ... due to HR restrictions I probably won’t be able to conduct further research.” Stone said, before gathering his thoughts. “Wait! Do you want to have sex with me? No? Ha! See? I’m still right.”

Monday, December 7

Offseason workouts pay off for Salvation Army bell-ringer.

WESTERVILLE, OH - Veteran Salvation Army Bell-ringer Alonzo Plas, 52, really bulked up this offseason and it’s translating into more donations than ever before.

“I do feel a lot stronger. It’s like I’m ringing two bells out there, to be honest. Just yesterday a guy dropped $10 into the pot just to get me to quiet down.”

Plas developed his exercise program one late, lonely Friday evening after masturbating into the family toilet.

“I thought, man, what a quick easy way to strengthen those bell ringing muscles. As long as I don’t go blind in the process, that is!”

When he’s not feeling up to it or has a headache, Plas uses Shake-Weights to mimic that feverish bell-ringing motion.

“I’ll crank out a few sets before bed every night. Helps me get to sleep. My body needs to recover.”

Tuesday, December 1

Area dad hates all his children the same.

GROVE CITY, OH - Lest it ever be called into question again, Joe Drummond wants you to know he does not play least favorites.

“I hate all my kids the same.” He says. “They’re a bunch of fucking brats, and I blame their mother.”

Joey Jr. is 17 and according to his dad has been nothing but a disappointment.

“He should enlist in the Army or something. Learn to get his ass out of bed before noon.”

Francine, 13, “may have an extra chromosome or two.”

The youngest child, Spencer is 8.

“Spencer may wind up being the most hated in the end, but right now he’s no different than the other two douches.” His dad says. “Gimme this. Gimme that. Piss off, kid. Get a job.”

Tuesday, November 24

African village sleeps in nest of second place merchandise.

KANGBE, SIERRA LEONE  - An entire African village emerged from a peaceful slumber this morning, still wrapped in the warm embrace provided by worthless New York Mets 2015 World Series Champions T-shirts, hats, pennants and foam fingers. 
 
The shipment of "championship" goodies arrived in port Saturday after two weeks on the Atlantic in a cargo ship that had been overtaken by Pittsburgh Pirates a few days earlier. 

Pirates All-Star center fielder Andrew McCutchen was said to have waved his 34-inch Louisville Slugger shouting, “What the fuck is this shit?" while ace pitcher Gerrit Cole fired a fastball at the vessel's captain demanding to know, "Where is our Wild Card runner-up merchandise? And what's with all this Mets garbage?" 

Tribesman Hakeem Akabookie confirmed one Pittsburgh Pirate’s trash is an African village’s treasure, pumping a giant foam-fingered fist in the air with an emphatic, “Let's. Go. Mets!”

Wednesday, November 11

Local blimp featured on blimp-cam.

Elo
COLUMBUS, OH - As the Columbia Gas® blimp made its way around Nationwide Arena last night during the Blue Jackets game, Paul Elo stood and waved enthusiastically to the camera attached to the blimp’s underside as it simultaneously cast his image onto the big screen above the scoreboard.

The crowd roared their approval thinking the 400 pound Elo, 42, was Kevin the “Dancing Fat Guy,” about to pull off his shirt, reveal some kind of body paint message and do a little dance to pump up the crowd, dignity be damned.

“No. No.” Elo said as he waved his arms back and forth to the driving beat of the music during a TV timeout. “I’m not the dancing fat guy. I’m Paul! I’ve actually … lost a little weight recently.”

The crowd grew impatient waiting for something to happen on-screen, a chorus of boos rained down.

“Take it off, Lard ass!” Someone screamed.

Luckily the puck was dropped, the action resumed and for most, all was forgotten.

In the third period a camera went back to Elo during the popular “Kiss-cam” segment. Alas, the woman pictured on screen with him was there with the guy to her left, slightly out of frame.

Thursday, November 5

Area cannibal gives Barbara Ganoush “3 stars.”

No longer missing 
COLUMBUS, OH – John Doe is a psychopathic cannibal. He's asked us not to use his real last name so he can remain out of prison, out of the electric chair, and on the hunt for the delicious flesh of unsuspecting victims in Columbus and its tasty surrounding areas.

“I found Barbara back in 2013 outside a campus bar, completely out of her mind.” Doe said. “Well not completely, thankfully. That’s the best part!”

Barbara Ganoush, 48, has been missing since 2013, her disappearance first reported by a Grove City landlord.

“She was a little on the heavy side, but that’s what really gives the meat its flavor. There was some nice marbling there.” Doe said, rifling through the industrial-sized freezer in his basement. “Have you ever tried someone from Grove City? Tastes a lot better than you’d think.” 

Doe’s freezer is stocked with bits and pieces of the young and old. “I try not to let anything go to waste.” He says. “Oh wow, come look inside here. This giant freezer bag has your name on it. That’s so weird!”


EDITOR’S NOTE: This was the last dispatch of Ledger reporter Ed McMuffin. If anyone has information on his whereabouts, please contact us immediately.

Tuesday, November 3

Virus goes viral.

COLUMBUS, OH – Area marketing guy John Keith, 52, went to work yesterday with the flu, like an asshole, infecting co-workers within a 12-foot radius who'd yet to be immunized from this year’s strain.

You may have seen Mr. Keith in a YouTube video yesterday, at press time up to 4 million views, vomiting in a corridor outside a conference room, losing his balance, launching a stack of papers into the air while spraying the glass walls of a nearby conference room with stomach bile, until ultimately cracking his skull on the slick hardwood to unconsciousness.

The whole incident was captured on film by inoculated coworker Michael Johnson.

“I was messing around with my new phone, shooting video, when John staggered into frame.” Johnson explained. “It was about 2 o’clock, so I thought maybe he was drunk. 30 seconds later—comedy gold!”

Keith is expected to be out the rest of the week with the flu and a concussion.


Wednesday, October 28

Area woman tired of this shit.

Dolores "Dolly" Lama
HEATH, OH – Dolores “Dolly” Lama, 53, has no wisdom to offer. She’s no guru. She can’t even find Tennessee on a map, let alone Tibet. She’s just another lonely divorcee working the registers at Macy’s. Despite all that, at least once per week, she’s greeted by a pack of idiots at her front door convinced that his holiness, the Dalai Lama, has taken up residence in Heath, Ohio.

While the Dalai Lama is quoted as saying, “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” Dolores Lama is quoted as yelling, “Fuck off!” and “Don’t you understand English? Amscray!" to visitors seeking to bask in her light. 

While sipping tea in the kitchen of her spartan home, a knock on the door interrupted our conversation. She cinched her robe, letting out an exasperated “Geez, Louise." When she returned, she said, “I don’t know who these people think I am. If I’ve told once I've told them a thousand times, only family members can use my 15% Macy’s discount!”

Monday, October 26

Porn star succumbs to death of a thousand cunts.

VAN NUYS, CA — A porn star's attempt at the record books has left him remarkably stiff.

Production on "Dwayng 'The Cock' Johnson's Grand Slam" has been halted after the actor collapsed and died during filming on Tuesday.

Johnson's bid to have sexual intercourse with 1,000 women at once ended with life's ultimate money shot.  Known in industry circles for his remarkable stamina, Johnson sought to break the record of the 919 sexual partners in one day, which was set in 2004 by female pornstar Lisa Sparxx.

"Dude was fillin' holes, then all of a sudden, around 997, he just dropped like a rock." said the film's key grip, Beau Williams.

Sexy paramedics tried desperately to revive Johnson via mouth-to-mouth-to-ass-and-other-body-part resuscitation before transporting him to a nondescript office complex doubling as the county hospital.

"Not even a quintuplet of hot nurses could save him." lamented producer Dustin Credible. "Dr. Ivan Tolikurbottam even used his patented anal probe, to no avail. Such a huge ... girthy loss."

Colleague Lexi Glass fondly reminisced about her first screen pairing with the fallen gigolo. "It was two days ago on the set of Outside In. Feels like at least a week. He gave me a facial, but he was thoughtful enough not to jizz right in my eyes."

Johnson appeared in 2,129 pornographic films in his illustrious three-year career. His more notable titles include The Chronicles of Pornia: The Voyeurage of Dawn Spreading,  How to Drain Your Dragon, Black Cock Down and Dirty, and the semenal favorite My Own Private Wide-Ass Ho.

An autopsy report is expected within the next few days. Post production on 32 of Johnson's latest films should be finished by then as well.