Tuesday, November 24

African village sleeps in nest of second place merchandise.

KANGBE, SIERRA LEONE  - An entire African village emerged from a peaceful slumber this morning, still wrapped in the warm embrace provided by worthless New York Mets 2015 World Series Champions T-shirts, hats, pennants and foam fingers. 
The shipment of "championship" goodies arrived in port Saturday after two weeks on the Atlantic in a cargo ship that had been overtaken by Pittsburgh Pirates a few days earlier. 

Pirates All-Star center fielder Andrew McCutchen was said to have waved his 34-inch Louisville Slugger shouting, “What the fuck is this shit?" while ace pitcher Gerrit Cole fired a fastball at the vessel's captain demanding to know, "Where is our Wild Card runner-up merchandise? And what's with all this Mets garbage?" 

Tribesman Hakeem Akabookie confirmed one Pittsburgh Pirate’s trash is an African village’s treasure, pumping a giant foam-fingered fist in the air with an emphatic, “Let's. Go. Mets!”

Wednesday, November 11

Local blimp featured on blimp-cam.

COLUMBUS, OH - As the Columbia Gas® blimp made its way around Nationwide Arena last night during the Blue Jackets game, Paul Elo stood and waved enthusiastically to the camera attached to the blimp’s underside as it simultaneously cast his image onto the big screen above the scoreboard.

The crowd roared their approval thinking the 400 pound Elo, 42, was Kevin the “Dancing Fat Guy,” about to pull off his shirt, reveal some kind of body paint message and do a little dance to pump up the crowd, dignity be damned.

“No. No.” Elo said as he waved his arms back and forth to the driving beat of the music during a TV timeout. “I’m not the dancing fat guy. I’m Paul! I’ve actually … lost a little weight recently.”

The crowd grew impatient waiting for something to happen on-screen, a chorus of boos rained down.

“Take it off, Lard ass!” Someone screamed.

Luckily the puck was dropped, the action resumed and for most, all was forgotten.

In the third period a camera went back to Elo during the popular “Kiss-cam” segment. Alas, the woman pictured on screen with him was there with the guy to her left, slightly out of frame.

Thursday, November 5

Area cannibal gives Barbara Ganoush “3 stars.”

No longer missing 
COLUMBUS, OH – John Doe is a psychopathic cannibal. He's asked us not to use his real last name so he can remain out of prison, out of the electric chair, and on the hunt for the delicious flesh of unsuspecting victims in Columbus and its tasty surrounding areas.

“I found Barbara back in 2013 outside a campus bar, completely out of her mind.” Doe said. “Well not completely, thankfully. That’s the best part!”

Barbara Ganoush, 48, has been missing since 2013, her disappearance first reported by a Grove City landlord.

“She was a little on the heavy side, but that’s what really gives the meat its flavor. There was some nice marbling there.” Doe said, rifling through the industrial-sized freezer in his basement. “Have you ever tried someone from Grove City? Tastes a lot better than you’d think.” 

Doe’s freezer is stocked with bits and pieces of the young and old. “I try not to let anything go to waste.” He says. “Oh wow, come look inside here. This giant freezer bag has your name on it. That’s so weird!”

EDITOR’S NOTE: This was the last dispatch of Ledger reporter Ed McMuffin. If anyone has information on his whereabouts, please contact us immediately.

Tuesday, November 3

Virus goes viral.

COLUMBUS, OH – Area marketing guy John Keith, 52, went to work yesterday with the flu, like an asshole, infecting co-workers within a 12-foot radius who'd yet to be immunized from this year’s strain.

You may have seen Mr. Keith in a YouTube video yesterday, at press time up to 4 million views, vomiting in a corridor outside a conference room, losing his balance, launching a stack of papers into the air while spraying the glass walls of a nearby conference room with stomach bile, until ultimately cracking his skull on the slick hardwood to unconsciousness.

The whole incident was captured on film by inoculated coworker Michael Johnson.

“I was messing around with my new phone, shooting video, when John staggered into frame.” Johnson explained. “It was about 2 o’clock, so I thought maybe he was drunk. 30 seconds later—comedy gold!”

Keith is expected to be out the rest of the week with the flu and a concussion.

Wednesday, October 28

Area woman tired of this shit.

Dolores "Dolly" Lama
HEATH, OH – Dolores “Dolly” Lama, 53, has no wisdom to offer. She’s no guru. She can’t even find Tennessee on a map, let alone Tibet. She’s just another lonely divorcee working the registers at Macy’s. Despite all that, at least once per week, she’s greeted by a pack of idiots at her front door convinced that his holiness, the Dalai Lama, has taken up residence in Heath, Ohio.

While the Dalai Lama is quoted as saying, “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” Dolores Lama is quoted as yelling, “Fuck off!” and “Don’t you understand English? Amscray!" to visitors seeking to bask in her light. 

While sipping tea in the kitchen of her spartan home, a knock on the door interrupted our conversation. She cinched her robe, letting out an exasperated “Geez, Louise." When she returned, she said, “I don’t know who these people think I am. If I’ve told once I've told them a thousand times, only family members can use my 15% Macy’s discount!”

Monday, October 26

Porn star succumbs to death of a thousand cunts.

VAN NUYS, CA — A porn star's attempt at the record books has left him remarkably stiff.

Production on "Dwayng 'The Cock' Johnson's Grand Slam" has been halted after the actor collapsed and died during filming on Tuesday.

Johnson's bid to have sexual intercourse with 1,000 women at once ended with life's ultimate money shot.  Known in industry circles for his remarkable stamina, Johnson sought to break the record of the 919 sexual partners in one day, which was set in 2004 by female pornstar Lisa Sparxx.

"Dude was fillin' holes, then all of a sudden, around 997, he just dropped like a rock." said the film's key grip, Beau Williams.

Sexy paramedics tried desperately to revive Johnson via mouth-to-mouth-to-ass-and-other-body-part resuscitation before transporting him to a nondescript office complex doubling as the county hospital.

"Not even a quintuplet of hot nurses could save him." lamented producer Dustin Credible. "Dr. Ivan Tolikurbottam even used his patented anal probe, to no avail. Such a huge ... girthy loss."

Colleague Lexi Glass fondly reminisced about her first screen pairing with the fallen gigolo. "It was two days ago on the set of Outside In. Feels like at least a week. He gave me a facial, but he was thoughtful enough not to jizz right in my eyes."

Johnson appeared in 2,129 pornographic films in his illustrious three-year career. His more notable titles include The Chronicles of Pornia: The Voyeurage of Dawn Spreading,  How to Drain Your Dragon, Black Cock Down and Dirty, and the semenal favorite My Own Private Wide-Ass Ho.

An autopsy report is expected within the next few days. Post production on 32 of Johnson's latest films should be finished by then as well.

Thursday, October 22

Famed IBM Selectric destroyed

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Back to the Future II correctly predicted a number of things about the future, including hover boards and shit, but it got the Cubs winning the World Series in 2015 wrong as the New York Mets polished off the Cubs in a four game sweep last night, which didn’t sit well with one Cubs fan, in particular.

This morning, someone broke into the home of screenwriter Bob Gale, destroying the IBM Selectric he used to tap out scripts for the Back to the Future trilogy along with writing partner Robert Zemeckis.

“We found a puddle of salty tears beside a worn crumpled up Cubs hat.” Officer Paul Stevens said. “It looked like the perpetrator had tried to force feed the hat into the machine before giving up and simply smashing the typewriter to the ground. If you don’t know, a typewriter was a thing people used to create documents before computers. I did some research. It’s pretty wild. It used an ink ribbon to transfer individual letters to the page. If you fucked up, you basically had to start all over. This particular model had a correction feature, however, which … Hey, where are you going? I’m not done with my story.”

It’s a sad day for Cubs fans who are no strangers to disappointment. The majority, though, are convinced the Cubs will “get ‘em next year!" It’s a great day for the rest of us who no longer have to endure “Back to the Future Day” posts in social media channels.

Mr. Gale, too, will be fine, as he hasn’t written a damn thing since 2008.

Wednesday, October 21

Top Thirteen Least Popular Halloween Costumes.

I'd like dee planest costume I can find.
Halloweener magazine has released their list of the top 13 least popular Halloween costumes for 2015.

13.  Macho Bobby Jindal
12.  Corporate Brand Manager
11.  Toilet Ape
10.  Sexy Josef Goebbels
9.    Sexy Lena Dunham
8.    The Heath Ledger Reporter
7.    Robert T. Beardsley III,
       Iowa City Attorney-At-Law
6.   Jamaal Wilkes Booth
5.   Man With Three Brown Suits
4.   Crossfit Overexplainer
3.   Sexy Drone Operator
2.   Ball Cancer
1.   Baby Morrissey

Tuesday, October 13

What happens in vegans definitely doesn't stay in vegans.

NEWARK, OH — First-time vegan Charlotte Treadwell found out the soft way that adopting a total vegan diet isn't quite as easy as it may seem.

A recent conscious uncoupling with her partner combined with a downturn in her home Kombucha brewing business had left Treadwell feeling a bit "adrift" and "without purpose." Turning to veganism seemed to her like logical step in self-awareness that would ultimately lead to better self-fulfillment, and other random new-agey stuff.

Scene of the crime against nature. 
"I really wanted to dedicate myself to myself, you know?"

Now, Charlotte has dedicated herself to cleaning up the ULGBTQA restroom at Gaia Horzions bookstore, where her initial excursion into veganism turned ugly.

"I was in the Queer Theory section, when I felt a sudden churning that quickly swelled to a boiling roil."

Charlotte's mad dash to relieve herself, unfortunately, did not end well.

Thankfully, Gaia Horizons co-owner Lillian Woolsworth-Toth was quite understanding of the fecal matter.

"Who are we to denigrate the wonders of the human body, no matter how abominable they may appear ... or smell?"

Bookstore regular Sally Hewes wasn't as accommodating, nor skilled at math, apparently.

"It was half on the wall, half on the floor, and half in the sink. Reminded me of my performance art days in the late seventies."

Veteran vegan Paula Nicolo tried to stifle a chuckle.  "I've seen this happen before with newbies. You have to maintain a proper balance, it's all in my hemp paper pamphlet series, The Virgin Vegan, available now out of the trunk of my Subaru."

The horrifying incident, however, has helped Charlotte recalibrate her daily intake of non-animal-based nutrients.

Nicolo added, "They become so gripped by vegan excitement they lose their shit."

Friday, January 10

Loose stool pigeon on the runs.

HEATH, OH — Heath Police are concerned about the whereabouts of informant Lenny "Trotts" Trotter.

Some guy from the internet.
Trotter (not his real name) has worked with law enforcement since 2004. He recently disappeared from the Hebron road station during a routine interrogation.

"I had a few more questions for him, but he squirted out the back door." lamented staff sergeant Mark Bednarski, who was the last to see Trotter before he vanished. "Now, I'm just bracing for the inevitable shit storm."

The Heath police have valued Trotter's continued input on several criminal cases, most notably the repeated vandalism of The Havana Omelet Shop's front windows.

A visibly displeased Chief Alan Maybrooke was blunt about Trotter's disappearing act.  "This has certainly left a stain on our precinct."