Wednesday, May 24

Heath's newest restaurant "bulging"
with success.

Heath, OH — Hooters of America's latest franchise is exceeding all performance expectations, but its overwhelming success has many Hooters executives scratching their heads.

“When we launched Cocks, our intention was to bring in the long-neglected female demographic,” said Randall Boyd, Hooters' National Franchise Director. “So we switched out our trademark buxom waitresses with buff, shirtless waiters and figured that the ladies would be lining up at the door.” Boyd then rolled his eyes and gestured toward the packed, all-male clientele steadily filing in the front door of the newest Cocks on Hebron Road. “I can’t believe we were this off the mark,” lamented Boyd.

Like Hooters servers, Cocks employees are required to wear tight orange shorts and running shoes. But instead of shirts, Cocks waiters are also asked to shave their chests and wear bow ties. “We thought, give the ladies a little beefcake to look at while they gobble up our signature 'Tearjerker Sausage Stuffers' right? Apparently, the only people interested in 'Circle Jerk Chicken Sandwiches' are impeccably groomed men with interesting turquoise jewelry.” Boyd said.

Male servers at Cocks are mostly happy with the restaurant’s success, but some wish that the working environment could be more like originally promised. “Man, the crazy outfits are one thing, but I knew that going in,” said Jake Powluski, while adjusting his lycra spandex compression shorts. “To be perfectly honest, I was kind of counting on the occasional hook-up with the secretary who’d had the odd margarita. If there’s any hooking up with patrons now, it’s going to involve my anus doing things it wasn’t made to do.”

Cocks patrons say the playful flirting, 'Bottomless Mimosas' and Cocks’ signature 'Sticky Grinder Buns' are what keep them coming back for more. “Honey, I don’t care if my server’s a breeder, as long as he looks me in the eyes when I order the Exploding Creamcicle,” said Cocks regular Timothy Hartwell, who then giggled and said, “That is a menu item, right?”