Pataskala, OH — Starling Trudence, one-time candidate for Licking County Comptroller, has thrown her "witches" hat into the crowded ring for the Presidency of the United States.She believes, among other things, that the time is right for a candidate with traditional pagan values. Thus, she recently announced the formation of an exploratory coven.
In the 2006 Comptroller race, Trudence lost the popular vote by a resounding margin of 99.4%. However, Trudence claims her Wiccan governing platform is simple: Use the power of transformative magic to do good, not harm, and the people will see the truth.
"We've been relying on Judeo-Christian beliefs for far too long. Paganism is the future. Well, it was like, the past, too, like a long time ago, but it's the future, really... "
Scott Dieter, chairman of the AWP's conjure-up-the-vote movement, believes that future is right around the corner:
"We just didn't capture the cold hearts and narrow minds of the Licking County electorate. However, America isn’t just Licking County … it’s a lot of counties, like a couple hundred or so. Once they see that the High Priestess isn’t some D&D or Lord of the Rings geek, and that she’ll use her wonderful white magic for the will of good, they'll come around."
Certain Wicca researchers aren’t so sure. “Why do you think they keep all that shit secret? It’s freaky.” offered Professor Ronald Macomber of nearby Franklin University.
When queried, the American electorate remains largely ignorant of Trudence and her beliefs.
"White magic? Is that racist?" asked Renaldo Nehemiah, former football star and track and field sensation. "The only Magic I know is black. And he played basketball. Now, he's all about the AIDS and the ghetto movie theaters."
Nehemiah remains one of those "misinformed' voters that Dieter and his fellow witches and warlocks are hoping to persuade over the next 19 months.
Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean was quick to label Trudence a “neo-pagan”, and dismissed her candidacy as a ‘vanity project.’ Others wondered why he would waste his time and breath on such.
In truth, some voters may simply be turned off by Trudence's dedication to debating skyclad, which in Wicca is to ritualize in the nude.
Her opponent in the 2006 election, Democrat Russ Turnblad is still trying to suppress those memories. "She's no Scarlett Johansson, I'll tell you that. She looked like a moldy statue made out of cottage cheese ... and not the small-curd kind, either."
