Heath, Ohio — Marty Newhouser really loves Fantasy Baseball. So much so his love of pretend baseball is now taking him to the Sunshine State for some much-deserved fun out of the sun.
His former “#1 pick” and wife of 22 years, however, laments her husband’s baseball obsession:
“He plays eighteen leagues a year. Let's just say I have a lot of fantasy sex."
Newhouser is scheduled to join tens of other fantasy baseball fanatics in Haines City, Florida for an intense weeklong session hosted by the fantasy baseball universe’s all-stars.
“I sure hope Brandon Funston is going to be there to dispense early-round trade advice.” Newhouser panted, as his heart palpitated and his palms grew sweaty. ”And that other guy, you know, the one with the hat. He really knows his way around WHIP and BABIP.”
For six long musky days, camp visitors will huddle in the Howard Johnson Haines City Conference Room, swapping tepid fantasy baseball anecdotes and drinking from a unlimited supply of Mountain Dew Code Red.
The camp is the first of its kind, and Newhouser is excited to be one of the inaugural campers.
“Maybe I’ll get out a little for some of that legendary Florida sun, but I doubt it.” Newhouser then pointed to a towering stack of fantasy baseball-related magazines and articles. “I’ve got a lot of studying to do.”
For $4,500, campers receive:
Top-notch instruction by drafting pros like “Big Swede” Don Johannssen, Gary “The Human Couch” Malone, and the immortal Ernie “Cheat Sheet” McCoy.
Five days of intense mock drafting, including a 94-round MegaDraft™ hosted by Hunter DeWitt, legendary author of Andy Van Slyke: Fantasy Kingmaker! and The Final Round: A Mock Draft Murder Mystery.
Autograph session with 2005 LABR Fantasy League 'Mr. Irrelevant' Shane Victorino.
Sabremetrics: Friend, Foe or Fraud? Information Session by Eric Karabell.
and The RotoWorld Bottomless Pretzel Bowl.
As camp approaches, Newhouser can barely contain his enthusiasm: "Its like a dream come true. A fantasy dream come true!"