Wednesday, March 14

Nation's first relocated pimp found, executed.

Heath, OH - Stanley Rubinowitz, 34, the nation's first-ever relocated pimp, was gunned down in the courtyard of the Heathwood Village Apartments yesterday by the gun-toting henchmen of Columbian drug lord Juan Carlos Cortez.

"We don't know how they found Mr. Rubinowitz." Warren Peace, the Heath Chief of Police said at an impromptu press gathering. "All we know is 'Rubinowitz' was not his real name. His jacket was not made of real animal fur. He had these wonderful snakeskin boots. And he had been placed here for his own protection by the federal government. It’s unclear as to how Cortez and his men found him at the location."

This story is especially shocking to us, as a detailed news story profiling Mr. Rubinowitz, the former Tyrone Johnson, was recently featured on The Ledger ...

Oh, dear. Was that supposed to be a secret?