SUBJECT: Spontaneous Celebrity-Fueled Arousal
COMMONTATOR: Missy Sepasko, Part-Time Scandinavian Starf*cker, Full-Time Co-Owner of Fauxto Finish Nail Salon.
Oh my God. Stop it. Just stop. I'm trying to work here! Jeez. Oh boy, I'm just so ... excited right now. It's like he's here. He's always here. I can feel the hairs on my neck stand up, for chrissakes!
I'm not even watching True Blood. I'm not watching anything! I'm not even looking at a picture. Not even the shirtless one on my cell phone, which, I left in my stupid car!
Ugh! Alexander Skarsgård is so turning me on right now.
I know, I know, like about a billion other red-blooded women out there. He's probably doing something really sexy right now ... like ... sleeping. Or walking.
Oh,damn. I think I need a smoke break. Damnit. I quit smoking three years ago.
Let's face it. Life isn't fair. I'm not ashamed of this. I know you want me to be. You really do, but it's not going to work. Yes, my inner thighs are quivering. No, I'm not going to do that down there. Maybe later. After work. In the tub. Sorry, I know ... TMI.
I don't know how to do this anymore. It's just there, like, almost all the time. It's like an itch you can never really scratch. He can see me from, like, a thousand miles away. How does he do it? Is it because he's from Iceland*? Maybe because it's cold outside makes them always warm on the inside. I don't know. Look. Now I'm just rambling. I know, I'm my face is red. I can tell.
You know what? He's actually making me a little mad, too. I mean, what right does he have to ... do ... that. You know, that thing. Living. Flaunting his hotness like that. Walking around places like New York City in a windbreaker. A windbreaker!
Oh. F me. I'm balling my toes up in my ballet flats!
I really need a drink, but this mall is run by Jehovah's Witnesses or something. Christ. Sorry. There used to be a Ruby Tuesday's on the corner, but I think it's an iHop or something now.
Ugh. I need to think about something else, like Glee. That doesn't turn me on at all!
* — Actor Alexander Skarsgård is from Sweden.