Heterosexuals trapped in same-sex marriage.

HILLIARD, OHIO — Corey and Dana Voorhees have been married for nine years.

Their relationship, which started out great, has now reached a point of coital stagnation. "We just keep having the same sex ... over and over." said Corey. Or Dana.

The 'same sex' often involves very routine and monotonous intimate experiences. Dana or Corey recently tried—in vain—to spice things up in the bedroom.

Corey or Dana admitted "I suggested the three-way, the five-way, the sister-in-law, the Duchess of Pork, the Saturday Night Special, the Curbside Service, the Sommelier, The Human Oreo, The Fire Island Ferry(sic),  The Genoa Salami, the Hammaker Schlemmer, and of course, the Back Door Santa.  Nothing worked. I never realized I married a Puritan."

Dana or Corey's reluctance to pursue more daring sexual exploits has left the relationship at a standstill.  The future remains uncertain.

The couple in happier times.

The couple are often confused as a true same-sex couple, but they're not. Corey or Dana is a man and Dana or Corey is a woman.

"I remember college. Wow. What people wouldn't do.  They were always up for a good time. From the International Friendly to the Shreveport Shuffle." Dana or Corey recalled.

That was all before Corey met Dana, or Dana met Corey, or ... someone met someone else.  Frankly, your reporter has lost track. And interest.

Now all Corey or Dana can do is reminisce about wilder, youthful nights spent in the company of others, performing Der Komissar, the Hat Trick, the Goal Line Stand, the Yertle the Turtle, the Sand Wedge, the Backwards Haberdasher, the Elephant Man, the Golden Sombrero, and, if the mood was right, the Cosby Sweater.