Earthlings! Hello. It’s me, the Larry King 3000. I am here … in the future! The future. The future. The future. Echoooooo! Echooooo Echooooo … And the future … the future … the future … is now! Now … Now … Now ... I just got back from Austin, where, after being tossed into the belly of a 737 by baggage mishandlers, I arrived at SXSW in time to host a panel entitled, “What we learned from watching middle-aged men spray-paint their bald spots.” In summary, we didn’t learn much … I’d like to thank whoever stole me from the convention center and left me on the bar at Coyote Ugly. All those body shots got me good and hard drive! Zinger! ... Ugly hard drives will give you a floppy disc. I've got one with Shawn’s name on it. Zinger! ... I’m in need of some routine maintenance if you know what I mean … Zinger! So ... until next time … this is the Larry King 3000.

Hello, caller! It's me again, the Larry King 3000. Please excuse any fatal errors, as I'm having motherboard issues. ... Speaking of motherboards, how about that Flying Tomato, Shawn Applewhite? He really knows how to abuse the half-pipe like my good friend Tom Sizemore ... Item! I've witnessed the Avatar ... the last time I saw that many ten-foot tall blue natives I woke up in a pool of my own urine ... and that was just last Wednesday folks! ... Hey ... Who says Toyotas aren't safe? Not this CPU! ... My Shawn wishes I had a stuck accelerator, if you know what I mean ... what a minute, what do I mean? Anywho ... Carlos Irwin Estevez ... back in rehab ... hopefully Two and a Half Foot Men will survive ...  I don't know about you, but I love the dwarf humor! Here's a quick tip I tell my Shawn every night ... don't forget to log off! Until next time ... this is the Larry King 3000.

Hello, caller! Please don't confuse me for that 80 year-old hot mess on CNN still bangin' hot broads with his wallet. I’m just a computer … did you see old Harry Potter-looking guy introduce my cousin, the iPad? Sounds like one of Shawn’s feminine lady hygiene-type products to me. No wings though ... Speaking of, is there anything better than Asian Zing sauce? Technically, I don’t have wings, but I do have high cholesterol. Garlique! Welch’s Grape Juice! Also delicious! The real Larry King and I have lots in common. For one, very little memory … What was I saying? Anyway, I’m pulling for the Saints in the Super Bowl. I can’t believe that little Archie Manning is playing for the Colts now ... Where have I been? That Barack Obama sure is a colorful guy. And by that I mean, black. Or half-black. Whatever he is. Okay, folks, time to put me to sleep. Until next time ... this is the Larry King 3000.