Thursday, February 9

Former Vice President Biden "totally down" for some extreme Vette-ing.

DOVER, DE — Former Vice President Joe Biden said he's "totally down" for some extreme Vette-ing, provided it's under extensive federal oversight and is conducted in a "bitchin' and semi-irresponsible" manner.

Although he vehemently disagrees with President Trump's Executive Order effectively temporarily banning immigration from seven Middle Eastern countries, he was open to discussing the Vette-ing plan over a six-pack of Schaefer's with whoever is "primo enough to hang."

Biden with his 1973 Corvette styled after the one featured in the
film "Corvette Summer." He has code-named it Dragonlady.
"We could meet at Trump Tower, or the old water tower ... doesn't matter to me. I think my old 'Kilroy Was Here' is still up there. Good times, man."

In 1983 while in his second Senate term, Biden crafted his own Extreme Vette-ing legislation.  He could only shake his head when asked about the bill's short-lived history.

"It was totally boss, but those egghead clown-nerds couldn't get it out of committee, man. I was hoping I could team up with some other rad dudes, but the Senate can be soooooo lame sometimes."

Biden could barely contain his nostalgic enthusiasm for the project and was anxious to see another administration give it a go, even though the Trump policy has nothing to do with vintage GM sports cars.

"A little sweet-ass pinstriping by my friend's cousin Doobie, some Loverboy on the deck, and man, you are kicking ass and taking names ... and numbers, hombre!"

Biden even went to extreme lengths to get his bill additional co-sponsors and attention, inviting rock and roll musician Billy Squier to perform his 1981 hit "The Stroke" live on the Senate floor. Only Gary Hart offered any enthusiasm for the bill.

Biden's comprehensive plan outlined mandatory T-Tops, regular sound system checks, a federal rebate program for glass packs, and a minimum spoiler height requirement.

Biden admitted the legislation would've had zero impact on immigration policy, but just wanted to "make America cool again."

"I was on the phone with Aldo Nova when I found out the bill was dead."

Wednesday, September 7

The Tubes had more than one single, thank you very much.

SUBJECT: Expanded Discographies of near-forgotten 1970s/1980s New Wave Bands.

COMMONTATOR: Wee Faybill, NOT the former lead singer of The Tubes

"She's a Beauty." Sure. Got it. Thanks, MTV.  Everyone's heard that damn song a billion times. But did you know we, uh, The Tubes had other singles and albums that demand attention? I mean, why would I l lie?

For the record, I am not the former lead singer of The Tubes. I am Wee Faybill. They guy you're probably thinking I am is Fee Waybill. Way different. Like, the first letters are totally switched. See? My first name starts with a W, and his starts with an F.  It's funny because my last name starts with an F, and his starts with a W. Kooky!

Anywho, we, uh, The Tubes were a new wave band from San Francisco. They opened for Led Zeppelin for pete sakes! Do you think a super-talented band like The Tubes would be allowed to open for Led Zeppelin if they only had one song? No way.

Heck we, uh, they had an album way back in the mid-1970s. I, uh, the lead singer was born in 1950 for crying out loud. He's probably being treated for diverticulitis and mild hip dysplasia by now. I don't know, I'm just guessing here. He's probably also paying a bit too much for car insurance.  I should — he should really remember to take care of that. Anyways, he's at least 65, which is getting up there in age. You would think a 65-year-old man would have more than one song to his credit, wouldn't you?

"White Punks on Dope" was our their first real single. They also had that other song, hold on, let me look it up ...  oh, yeah ..."Talk to Ya Later" which was kind-of popular for about two weeks in 1981.

All I'm saying is there's more music than you realize out there, kids. So check out our, uh, their web page at or look them up on YouTubes. Ha. Tubes.

Tuesday, September 6

Top 10 Least Popular
Professional Wrestlers

Just in time for the World Wrestling Confederation's Tables, Ladders, Chairs, Doors, Sideboards, Shelves and Other Furnishings, the following were voted the ten least popular wrestlers in history. (According to The Turnbuckle Times)

10. Mr. Serious Bill Humperdink, Jr.
9.   Superpants!
8.   Patrice Winningham, Mother of Four
7.   She-Hulk Hogan
6.   The W.A.S.P.
5.   Cripple-H
4.   Sin Talenta
3.   The Actuary
2.   Clarence Guilderoy, Pain Virgin
1.   Sgt. Nation Builder

Friday, January 29

Area scientist refutes Van Halen’s claim “Everybody Wants Some!!”

DUBLIN, OH – Eugene Stone, a chemist at Marysville’s Scotts Miracle-Gro Company, has been conducting research in his spare time to refute the claim rock band Van Halen made on track 2 of their classic 1980 album Women and Children First, “Everybody Wants Some!!”

“For thirty some-odd years people have been walking around humming this tune thinking it’s true.” Stone said. “I couldn’t allow such nonsense to be perpetuated any longer.”

After taking a seat in his office and declining an offer of tea, Stone blurted out, “Aha! You DO NOT WANT SOME tea. Disproven!”

Upon pointing out the ‘some’ the song is referring to is probably sex, Stone blanched.

“Buh ... due to HR restrictions I probably won’t be able to conduct further research.” Stone said, before gathering his thoughts. “Wait! Do you want to have sex with me? No? Ha! See? I’m still right.”

Monday, December 7

Offseason workouts pay off for Salvation Army bell-ringer.

WESTERVILLE, OH - Veteran Salvation Army Bell-ringer Alonzo Plas, 52, really bulked up this offseason and it’s translating into more donations than ever before.

“I do feel a lot stronger. It’s like I’m ringing two bells out there, to be honest. Just yesterday a guy dropped $10 into the pot just to get me to quiet down.”

Plas developed his exercise program one late, lonely Friday evening after masturbating into the family toilet.

“I thought, man, what a quick easy way to strengthen those bell ringing muscles. As long as I don’t go blind in the process, that is!”

When he’s not feeling up to it or has a headache, Plas uses Shake-Weights to mimic that feverish bell-ringing motion.

“I’ll crank out a few sets before bed every night. Helps me get to sleep. My body needs to recover.”

Tuesday, December 1

Area dad hates all his children
the same.

GROVE CITY, OH - Lest it ever be called into question again, Joe Drummond wants you to know he does not play least favorites.

“I hate all my kids the same.” He says. “They’re a bunch of fucking brats, and I blame their mother.”

Joey Jr. is 17 and according to his dad has been nothing but a disappointment.

“He should enlist in the Army or something. Learn to get his ass out of bed before noon.”

Francine, 13, “may have an extra chromosome or two.”

The youngest child, Spencer is 8.

“Spencer may wind up being the most hated in the end, but right now he’s no different than the other two douches.” His dad says. “Gimme this. Gimme that. Piss off, kid. Get a job.”

Tuesday, November 24

African village sleeps in nest of second place merchandise.

KANGBE, SIERRA LEONE  - An entire African village emerged from a peaceful slumber this morning, still wrapped in the warm embrace provided by worthless New York Mets 2015 World Series Champions T-shirts, hats, pennants and foam fingers. 
The shipment of "championship" goodies arrived in port Saturday after two weeks on the Atlantic in a cargo ship that had been overtaken by Pittsburgh Pirates a few days earlier. 

Pirates All-Star center fielder Andrew McCutchen was said to have waved his 34-inch Louisville Slugger shouting, “What the fuck is this shit?" while ace pitcher Gerrit Cole fired a fastball at the vessel's captain demanding to know, "Where is our Wild Card runner-up merchandise? And what's with all this Mets garbage?" 

Tribesman Hakeem Akabookie confirmed one Pittsburgh Pirate’s trash is an African village’s treasure, pumping a giant foam-fingered fist in the air with an emphatic, “Let's. Go. Mets!”

Wednesday, November 11

Local blimp featured on blimp-cam.

COLUMBUS, OH - As the Columbia Gas® blimp made its way around Nationwide Arena last night during the Blue Jackets game, Paul Elo stood and waved enthusiastically to the camera attached to the blimp’s underside as it simultaneously cast his image onto the big screen above the scoreboard.

The crowd roared their approval thinking the 400 pound Elo, 42, was Kevin the “Dancing Fat Guy,” about to pull off his shirt, reveal some kind of body paint message and do a little dance to pump up the crowd, dignity be damned.

“No. No.” Elo said as he waved his arms back and forth to the driving beat of the music during a TV timeout. “I’m not the dancing fat guy. I’m Paul! I’ve actually … lost a little weight recently.”

The crowd grew impatient waiting for something to happen on-screen, a chorus of boos rained down.

“Take it off, Lard ass!” Someone screamed.

Luckily the puck was dropped, the action resumed and for most, all was forgotten.

In the third period a camera went back to Elo during the popular “Kiss-cam” segment. Alas, the woman pictured on screen with him was there with the guy to her left, slightly out of frame.

Thursday, November 5

Area cannibal gives Barbara Ganoush “3 stars.”

No longer missing 
COLUMBUS, OH – John Doe is a psychopathic cannibal. He's asked us not to use his real last name so he can remain out of prison, out of the electric chair, and on the hunt for the delicious flesh of unsuspecting victims in Columbus and its tasty surrounding areas.

“I found Barbara back in 2013 outside a campus bar, completely out of her mind.” Doe said. “Well not completely, thankfully. That’s the best part!”

Barbara Ganoush, 48, has been missing since 2013, her disappearance first reported by a Grove City landlord.

“She was a little on the heavy side, but that’s what really gives the meat its flavor. There was some nice marbling there.” Doe said, rifling through the industrial-sized freezer in his basement. “Have you ever tried someone from Grove City? Tastes a lot better than you’d think.” 

Doe’s freezer is stocked with bits and pieces of the young and old. “I try not to let anything go to waste.” He says. “Oh wow, come look inside here. This giant freezer bag has your name on it. That’s so weird!”

EDITOR’S NOTE: This was the last dispatch of Ledger reporter Ed McMuffin. If anyone has information on his whereabouts, please contact us immediately.