Tuesday, February 23

Activists petition to change name of George Washington Carver

ST. LOUIS, MO — A newly-formed activist group, Black Names Matter, has circulated a petition at Change.org to change the name of pioneering scientist and inventor, George Washington Carver.  Carver pioneered over three hundred uses for peanuts and many more for soybeans, pecans, and sweet potatoes.

"Imagine, to be named after that ... racist slaveholder." bemoaned Austin Normal. Normal, 22, is the current Student Body President at Brandeis University and claims to have two black friends,.

Normal drafted the petition after learning about Carver in his Advanced Racial Attitudes and Healing class. 

"Dude was actually born a slave! I mean, his parents must've been the most ironic parents ever. Ugh." chimed Jessica Hannigan-Barnes who recently signed the online appeal. Hannigan-Barnes is currently an intern at Conde Nast Publications and an aspiring social media apology mentor. She has over two thousand followers on her Instagram account, which features how-to videos on pairing the right handbag with the proper choice of hard seltzer.

The ingenious Carver—who made little wealth from his advancements—engineered adhesives, axel grease, bleach, buttermilk, chili sauce, fuel briquettes, instant coffee, linoleum, meat tenderizer, metal polish, paper, plastic, pavement, shaving cream, shoe polish, synthetic rubber, talcum powder and wood stain, all from peanuts, or maybe some from peanuts. 

The group hopes to get enough signatures to legally and posthumously change Carver's name to Tyrone Washington, effective immediately. 

"I'd imagine he'd pick a name like that if he had a choice over his black body," said Mackenna Breckinridge, another early signer of the petition. 

The group has set up a GoFundMe in order to pay for court costs and to purchase a new headstone for Carver, er, Washington at his burial site in Tuskegee, Alabama.