Beware the March of Dimes!

By Janice Carothers
Senior, Heath High School 

Heath, OH — Hey you guys!

Today we'll be learning about Romans. These are the dudes that had toga parties and invented Trojan condoms, although not necessarily in that order.  They had like kindergarten bowl cuts and killed Jesus, too! Nice going, ancient Italians!

Romans also ruled the world for awhile and enslavened thousands of people to build their totally lame empire before they ruined it. I mean, have you seen the Colluseum?  It's where they held basketball tryouts and made Gladiator movies! Like I said ... lame. Now, it's all ruins. It's like, duh, take care of things already.

They should've just used Sim City and saved everyone the trouble.

But they have made college more fun, so they're not all bad, right?  I can't wait for college. Talk about "higher learning" heh heh.  But I can't go until I have all of my credits and pass my radiation test.  I mean, what the hizzay?  Jordan McCallum totally dropped out of school and is going to LA (you know, the city of angles) to be acting. He's a real good actor, too, since he made Emily McManus totally cry about something and she was all upset and almost o-d'd on birth control pills and he was all like "psyke ... I was acting like that" and we were all like OMGTG, which means Oh my god Totally Gay, but not like gay being bad, but being kind of cool — like House Hunters and marriage ecology and loft apartment and pet bulldog cool.  I hope he remembers me when he is all rich and famous and totally NOT dating Taylor Swift, but whatevs.

Okay, back to these Roman dudes.

Well, their head dude was this guy named Doctor Julius Earvan Ceaser, and everyone loved him and gave him, like, flowers to wear on his head, and let him totally be their ruler and stuff.  He made great salads, apparently, and they were all like, hey — could you put some dressing on this for me it's kind of dry and he was like, sure, here is some awesome dressing I made from vinegar and tiny fish (gross!) and thought he was great until Shakespeare told everyone he was dumb and kind of ruining everything being bossy.  That Shakespeare guy really got around! But that's for another column. (I hope!)

So, there was this other guy named Broodus who was like sad in a sexy way, and he was upset about this Doctor J being so good (remember - colesium and basketball tryouts?) so he stabbed him 412 times right on the floor of the United States Senate.  What? That's crazy ... you would think that would come up in American history or whatever!

Anyway, this all happened because someone told him to Beware the March of Dimes! which is totally true because I hate when they won't leave me alone and bug me about stronger, healthier babies. Duh. Babies are supposed to be weak because they are babies, people! Making hulk babies will upset the balance of the universe, and we'll end up just like the Romanses, with their really old buildings and dead language! Who wants to end up ancient? That's just, like, as bad as wearing clothes from Sears.

Anywho, my editor said if you care about weak babies and junk, you should probably donate some money here.

Whatevergate ...

By Janice Carothers
Junior, Heath High School 

Heath, OH — Hey everybody! Hope you missed me as much as I missed you! Guess what? I’m stuck in like summer school or whatever like I’m some kind of dummy, but whatevs. At least Jordan McCallum is here wearing hot shirts sands sleeves. He’s so hot it makes me want to totally fail History, like, all the time you know.

So, I’m taking American History X or 1900s or something. I mean it’s like ancient History, right? It’s totally boring — it makes me want to cut myself like Demi Lovato. But whatever, at least I can use it for a new column here or whatever. So my failure is like your success or something. Congratulations!

So we’re learning about Richard Tollhouse Nixon, the 58th president of our awesomely United States. He totally wanted to be re-erected, which sounds gross — I mean, just take some Viagra or something dude! Yuck. So he started acting like a CREEP, which sounds like Blake Bergesen — he’s a total douchebag who once tried to French kiss me at Julie Morris’s pool party. But he, like must have barfed a whole bag of Funyuns like milliseconds before because it was like tongue wrestling with one of those blossoming onion thingys from one of those Out Back Restaurants. It was gross with a capital G-R-O-C-E!

So this Toolhouse guy, who made like awesome cookies, like the best since Sara Lee was First Lady for that General Lee dude, made these plumbers rob a hotel. It turns out they left the water running and like, totally flooded the place.

The water even went out the gate so instead of like, Motel 6 or whatever, they called the place Water Gates.

Duh, they’re plumbers — I mean how smart can they be? Anywho, this total baldy named Gordon Gee Libby, who made like vegetables or something in the 50s or whatever, well he was one of the plumbers who went to jail for yapping on phones or whatever. Then, he was like on the radio for awhile. Now, he's like, selling autographs at Ohio State and wearing bow ties — yuck!

Anywho, Nixon was still like President even though he ruined a hotel and put bugs in people’s ears like this Kahn guy in Star Wars my cousin Teddy told me about. Disgusting. Total creep — like I said. So Nixon had like really bad manners **DUh** and was excuse me to the next Presidential dude, this Ford guy who made cars and fell down a lot.

Politics! It’s like all Roman to me or whatever. I mean, I'd rather learn about something really old, like who invented Seinfeld.

So, like I’m going to keep going to summer school and totally checking out Jordan McCallum. You’re welcome!

Tippy Canoe and Tyler 2

By Janice Carothers
Junior, Heath High School 

Heath, OH — Hey guys, Janice here. ZOMG! I can't believe I'm like a regular columnist or whatever. I'm like that really really ancient reporter lady who just got fired for being like Adolph Hilton. But I'm totally cuter, right?

I'm here to talk about History, which I'm like an expert on or whatever. It's not like geometry — which sucks. Wait a minute, my editor might need to edit that out so Mrs. Petry doesn't see it.

History is easy to learn cuz it's already happened or whatever. Anywho, like a long time ago, there was this hairy dude who was running for President back in like the 20th century or whatever. They all called him Tippy Canoe because, well, like, he would never sit down in the canoes when they were canoeing and he would always tip them over and get everyone all wet. He was kind of a jerk, I guess, but the people thought it was kind of funny and they called him that.  His real name was William Harry Henderson, and like I said he was real hairy, and he was the inspiration for that Harry and the Hendersons movie — which I saw on the CW last weekend. It was stupid.

Anyways, the other guy, like his vice president guy was Tyler 2. That's cuz there was another Tyler who was already like the President sometime, or Secretary of the State or something, so he was the second Tyler. They couldn't just say "Hey Tyler, because the other Tyler guy, the first one, would be like 'what?' but then they'd have to say 'no, not you, the other Tyler.'"  It's so confusing because we have two Tylers in my class. Tyler Gates is like, pretty hot and he has Robert Pattinson hair, which is a total bonus. Tyler Diurba is a buttwad who once tried to impregnate my friend Holly by kissing her and then jizzing in a hot tub. True story, but I regress.

So some guy wrote this awesome song (it was like Alejandro at that time or something.)  about them and it got them totally elected to The White House, which was cool I guess.

Anyways — you could totally google this stuff to check it out since it's historical. Also, I'm on Twitter now, so like, follow me or whatever.

The Futile System

By Janice Carothers
Junior, Heath High School 

Heath, OH - Hey, everyone. It's me, Janice. I guess they liked my last article on Hilton so much they decided to have me back or whatever. And guess what? Mr. Delahante's even giving me extra credit for these! 

Today's topic is the Futile System. It's like where everything you try to do is basically futile or whatever. For example, last month Mike Pare asked me to go to the prom with him. I was like, whatever! Like I'm gonna go to the prom -- the most important dance of my life  -- with  a guy caught masturbating in a second floor ladies room! Yeah. As if. Dream on, futile-boy. Just don't dream about me and do what you were caught doing, you perv. Though I guess that would be kind of flattering or whatever ...

Anyway, I guess the king way back when would give people this land they could live on so they could try to eek out some kind a meager existence or whatever. The people the king gave land to then hired these pheasants to work the land. I guess in and around all the bushes and stuff. It was futile, of course. They're all dead now.

Am I losing you? Stay with me. If we don't learn from this history stuff we're doomed to repeat it. I don't want Barack Obama taking my land by executive order and giving it to Kings, Nobles and Knights or whatever. Do you?

Granted, I don't own any land. But I have a cousin who works at Medieval Times. It's like he's trapped in that time period.

I hope you learned something, guys. I'm Janice. Facebook me or whatever.

Adolf Hilton, you were so mean!

By Janice Carothers
Junior, Heath High School

Heath, OH - We watched this movie in class the other day called “Valkyrie” or whatever. There was this character named Hilton who apparently killed a bunch of Jews and stuff because they had big noses or whatever. And there was this other guy in the movie with an eye patch named Tom Cruise who wanted to kill Hilton with some briefcase or whatever. His plan didn’t work. True story.

We learned more about Hilton in class. Apparently, he set up these camps for inattentive Jewish people or whatever, only they didn’t teach them how to concentrate or anything, they just taught them how to wear striped pajamas and starve half to death or whatever. He also did something to give them gas - beans I would suspect.

I think, like, Paris Hilton is his great-great-grand daughter or whatever.

Anyway, Hilton threw a party for these people called “Not-sees,” which I guess were, like, blind people or whatever. There must have been beer because those people loved him for the parties. They were always, like, “Hi, Hilton!” Then Hilton would be all, “Hi!” back to them with a big wave or whatever.

The good news is Hilton finally killed himself with a Braun. I never knew you could vacuum yourself to death but … whatever. Good riddance, meanie! Nice mustache, by the way.

That's it. I hope I get full credit for this or whatever. I’ve always wanted to be in The Heath Ledger .... Or vice-versa if you know what I mean. Heath Ledger was soooo hot!