Tuesday, July 25

Dear Aunt Carol,

I’m completely frustrated with my mother-in-law. As long as there are at least ten family members present, she will bring up the time I got drunk on a hunting trip and passed out nude in a field. Without fail. The incident happened more than four years ago and I haven’t had a drink since. But the minute someone starts carving a turkey or opening a birthday present, she’ll jump in with, “Oh, the look on my Tom’s face when he saw all those estrous-crazed deer humping your nude, passed-out husband.” I took my wife’s advice and just ignored it whenever it happened. Then during our niece’s confirmation party, she started telling a cute story about when Claire, then two, ran through the house naked during a party. It was all teed-up. A naked reference. She had the undivided attention of everyone in the room. I honestly thought she was going to let it go, then she laughed out loud and said, “Well, at least Claire was able to walk…and she didn’t topple buck-naked into a thicket of maiden grass! Trust me, there’s nothing cute about a 37-year-old man rolling around in his own sick… Well, thank God he’s not drinking anymore!” This sounds terrible, but I almost feel like boycotting all family functions. Any thoughts?

Embarrassed in Heath.

Dear Embarrassed,

Leave your mother-in-law out of this! My biggest question is, why did you stop drinking? You sound boring now. Some people need a little help in the personality department, if you know what I mean. And you’re one of them, my friend. Remember the two V’s – Vicodin and Vodka. The next time your mother-in-law starts reminiscing, let the sound of your urine cascading off her drapes be a gentle reminder to shut her ever-flapping pie hole.


Aunt Carol

Aunt Carol is a dedicated housewife from a 1970s-era Naperville, Illinois suburb. She appears courtesy of Dan Bruckner Buick (921 State Route 79, Heath, Ohio) and a time machine.