Dublin, OH — Julie and Stan Tannen never imagined a life apart could be so difficult.
"This divorce is a sham. It's a divorce of convenience, I'll tell you that." Stan lamented. "If this thing is going to work, she has to stop calling me and asking me if I'd like to get coffee."
According to Tannen, those innocent coffee klatches usually end up in the same place: his bedroom.
"And I have to stop asking her if she's up for some sixety-nine."
Tannen fondly recalls the last days of their brief, tumultuous marriage.
He also looks forward to divorce without restrictions, a divorce he's committed to maintaining at all costs. He chides Julie for her lack of devotion to cultivating other sexual relationships.
"She's a cut-rate Anna Benson, if you ask me. She promised to screw my entire staff, but so far she's only had sex with me, how 'open' is that?" Tannen declared. "She's all talk."
"He said what?" a defiant Julie cried. "Oh, sure. He's all about the speed dating. How he's gettin' it on with all these lucky babes. What B.S." Julie continued. "I bet there's still the same number of condoms in that nightstand drawer as there were the last time I was bent over the edge of the bed."
The two have had such a difficult time staying apart, they've resorted to weekly visits with the state's only Divorce Counselor, Dr. Magaret A. Widden.
Widden hopes that her training and advice, which includes intensive sessions on lying and backstabbing, will have a negative result. "Frankly, the best thing for them to do would be to yell and spit on each other." She also has pioneered "The Blame Game" in which couples play a role-reversal game designed to make them see each other's horrifying flaws.
"Hopefully they come away despising one another, or I haven't done my damn job." Widden added.
"They desperately need to see other people. And when I say 'see', I mean 'bang the crap out of'."
As a result, Julie promises to be more promiscuous. A weekend jaunt to Cabo San Lucas is in her plans, and she hopes to have tequila-addled sex by the 'shitful'.
