Tuesday, May 19

Commuter plane crashes into cemetery, 22,306 confirmed dead.

Heath, OH - A small plane crashed without warning yesterday, landing in Heaven’s Gate Cemetery and killing all 22,306 people on board.

“This is a tragedy unlike anything we’ve ever seen.” County Coroner Wayne D. Cathcart said. “With the way they were dressed we can only surmise they were headed to a formal event of some kind. Some place very special. Many brought flowers for the occassion.”

Deputy Sheriff Joseph “Tecumseh” Sherman added, “I’ve never seen luggage so fancy. There were brass handles, silky pillows and everything. We dug deep to find survivors. Nothing.”

A caretaker was quick to point out that, while tragic, the accident could have been worse.

“We mighta had to move these bodies if this wasn’t a cemetery. Now we can just kinda get a backhoe and throw some dirt on 'em ... May God rest their souls.”