Columbus, OH - His co-workers will tell you, it’s tough to
be around Lars Schuster when there are World Cup-type soccer tournaments taking
place in the world. Not a meeting goes by without a reference to “corner kicks”
or “headers,” or some pontification on the skills of a foreigner known only by
his last name.
John Stenson, Schuster’s next-cube neighbor, is obviously
fed up. “He’s got those stupid scarves with the team names on them draped all over
the place. He hums those idiotic fight songs at two in the afternoon. He’s kind
of a dick about it, really. Check this out … Hey, ‘Soccerates,’ who’s going to win the
Euro Cup final?”
“Didn’t I ask you to stop calling me that?” Schuster spat
from behind the cube wall, somehow insulted by being compared to the classical
Greek Athenian philosopher credited as one of the founders of Western
philosophy. “As I’ve already explained, ad nauseum, it’s called football or
footie, not soccer. But to answer your question, Italy simply lacks the depth
of Spain, which is loaded with superstars. Oh, sure, Gli Azzuri have Mario Balotelli
and Andrea Pirlo … those guys will have to have the game of their lives. Now,
you could say, well, they tied 1-1 during group play, what makes you so sure?
I’d quickly point out that group play is an entirely different animal. Mark my
words, my friend; it’s going to be Spain. VIVA ESPANA!”
“See?” Stenson said, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “What
a dick.”
