Hey-O sports fans!
Nineteen years ago, I grew out my first beard and through the miracle of modern magic one can only experience at an Amazing Randi live performance, it grew into a sentient symbiotic life form that began sending sports predictions directly to my brain. With enough time, I learned to harness the immense power of my facial hair to bring these patented "Snow White Locks" to you, avid sports fan*.
Here's the second of my five "Snow White Locks," just in time for tonight's game.
PILLSBURY DOUGH BOWL
Minneapolis, Minnesota • January 2, 2014
In the likely event we aren't blessed by Mother Nature and poor structural design, we're not in for a real treat.
The Iowa College of Corn Management touts the nation's only roster filled entirely with synonymous first names. The Ethanolics literally field a team of Jakes.
The "Two Jakes" running back tandem of Jake Smalley and Jake Bruck have combined for 2,213 yards and 479 pounds of flesh. Don't sleep on ICCM quarterback Jake Mallett. Seriously, don't sleep on him — he's not a bed! I found out the hard way at last year's ConAgra GMO Bowl. I'm not the most well-endowed man on the planet, but that's a dick punch I'll never forget. Right in the mushroom! The only remedy was the sweet soothing touch of my life-partner Judy, and listening to the Chicago Transit Authority's greatest hits.
ICCM's opponent, the poorly-conceived Ohio School for the Tasteless are appearing in their first bowl game. Hailing from the Ohio Physical Impairment Conference (formerly the Ohio Cripple Conference), the Flavor Warriors beat rivals Ohio School for the Blind and Ohio School for the Deaf by a combined total of 554-2. I guess not having taste buds or the ability to discern between sweet and salty is a lot less disabling than not being able to see or hear — especially when it comes to the gridiron!
The only thing the Flavor Warriors will be fighting for here is their pride. Led by senior safety Gary Coleman III, or GB3 as he's known around campus, the Warriors' stifling defense runs the 2-1-2-1-2-3, which sounds retarded but has led the team to a 9-2 season record. In this matchup, however, they are clearly outclassed as they have exactly zero Jakes on their roster.
Take the Ethanolics, give the points and let the New Year ring in like a cash register!
Iowa College of Corn Management Ethanolics 31, Ohio School for the Tasteless Flavor Warriors 14
*— The Heath Ledger does not promote gambling on sporting events, nor is it financially responsible for monies lost wagering on such events.