Monday, December 30
Hey-O sports fans!
It's your Ledger Sports Correspondent and former Ohio Dominican Panther, "The SportsBeard" Roy Hinke. Nineteen years ago, I grew out my first beard and through the miracle of modern magic one can only experience at an Amazing Randi live performance, it grew into a sentient symbiotic life form that began sending sports predictions directly to my brain. With enough time, I learned to harness the immense power of my facial hair to bring these patented "Snow White Locks" to you, avid sports fan*.
It's the most wonderful time of the year — college football bowl season, and what better way to parlay the vast knowledge of the Sportsbeard than by making some bold predix on some of the season's lesser-known bowls? As my life-partner Judy always says, college football is like pizza — greasy and gut filling! Here's the first of my five "Snow White Locks." Let's go bowling!
KOOL ULTRA SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING BOWL
Richmond, Virginia • December 31, 2013
This contest, "flexed" by ESPNOCHO to 3:30 AM, pits the Remedial College of Southern Kentucky Grizzards versus the new-to-the-NCAA People's University of Portland Granolas.
The Granolas are clearly overmatched, what with their penchant for ironic clogging and statist municipal regulation. Coming east will certainly affect their level of energy, considering the team is mandated to ride bicycles to every away game to lessen their carbon footprint.
"We've added a few wrinkles to our offensive gameplan" coach Lillian Woolsworth-Toth told reporters. Toth, the only openly lesbian head coach in college football, also showed off her latest macramé project and vintage tea collection. "We've freed ourselves from the oppression of expectations." The Granolas plan to confound opponent and viewer alike by not wearing uniform numbers. "We find that sequential numerals are an outdated, chauvinistic expression of micro-aggression. Frankly, all of our players are number one to me."
The Grizzards tout eighth-year sophomore quarterback Turd Perkins, whose leads the team with a -1.8 GPA. He plans to never graduate with a degree in General Studies.
"General Studies is my hero. Without him, the South woulda lost our war."
Speedy and electric cosmetology college transfers Demontague McSimmons and Fittydollarzzz Jones highlight a passing attack that averages 412 yards per game.
Look for the Grizzards (combination Grizzly Bear/Buzzard for the unfamiliar) to strike early and often and send the Granolas two-wheeling back to the Pacific Northwest hinterlands in tears.
Southern Kentucky Grizzards 41, People's University of Portland Granolas 20
*— The Heath Ledger does not promote gambling on sporting events, nor is it financially responsible for monies lost wagering on such events.
at 3:23 PM