Hey-O sports fans! It's your least favorite sports prognosticator, the SportsBeard, a.k.a. Roy Hinke.
Nineteen years ago, I grew out my first beard and through the miracle of modern magic one can only experience at an Amazing Randi live performance, it grew into a sentient symbiotic life form that began sending sports predictions directly to my brain. With enough time, I learned to harness the immense power of my facial hair to bring these patented "Snow White Locks" to you, avid sports fan*.
Here's the my final three locks for bowl season. I'll be back for the Ledger's legendary March Madness coverage in April.
VIVID ENTERTAINMENT NSFW BOWL
Van Nuys, California • Sometime later in the week, check your call sheet.
Some people think college football is sports pornography. Not me, no sir. I lived through 1977 and I saw a lot of real-life sports porn with my own two, yet unreformed eyes. And you think I'm hairy!
This 'bowl' pits the Texas S&M Stallions against the Brigham Young University Cougars in a unmarked warehouse somewhere in the valley.
Texas S&M features exciting and endowed quarterback Johnny "Footlong" Manzarro, who likes to go deep to his wide receivers, if you know what I mean. The only problem is that he's been missing for six days after disappearing from the roof of a Amarillo whorehouse. His backup, Casey Ringo, has one eye and a habit of throwing off his center's back foot.
The Cougars are led by sophomore running back Joseph Smith X who leads the nation in tithing. BYU is in for a real shocker (not that kind ... I think) this week and I wouldn't be surprised if they all end up in outer darkness at some point after the game. That said, they're the clearly superior team here.
Take the Cougars and lay the points. Hey-O!
Brigham Young Cougars 24, Texas Science & Military Academy Stallions 7
WINN DIXIE WHITE POWER BOWL
Hattiesburg, MIssissippi • January 7, 2014
This game has been cancelled due to lack of interest in white power.
THE MANUTE BOWL
USS John C. Stennis, Bremerton, Washington • Any minute now?
Twenty-seven years later, someone has made my perversions real!
Expect Bol to use his incredible height and wingspan to interrupt the flow of the game. Even at his age, he can still be a force in the paint, or did you not see those GEICO commercials? I like the one with the camel. Hump day. Ha. Even so, he's at a numbers disadvantage here that doesn't bode well for success. He has to my knowledge, never played American-style football, and has a relatively lousy career field goal percentage — he's only made 40.7% of his kicks. Yikes!
Add to the mix that this is the first football game ever to be played on an aircraft carrier, and well Manute is in for a real shocker. (Not that kind ... I think.)
Take the All-Americans for easy cheese.
UPDATE: It has come to my knowledge that the All-Americans in question are Academic All-Americans. This certainly changes the calculus as nerds:bad at football. Like some kid from Columbia is ever going to quarterback the Chicago Bears! Fat chance, smartypants! Watch Bol swat away the "competition."
UPDATE II: It has come to my attention that Manute Bol is dead, passing away in 2010. A distinguished basketball player and humanitarian, the bowl game is named after Manute Bol to honor his memory, and is, in fact a basketball game featuring the University of Bridgeport vs. Virginia Commonwealth University. As my life-partner Judy would say: "do some research dumbass!"
*— The Heath Ledger does not promote gambling on sporting events, nor is it financially responsible for monies lost wagering on such events.