Closed MRI reminds residents it's still 'open' for business.

Heath,OH — Many Heath-area residents are surprised to learn that Zeke’s Closed MRI on South 21st Street is still open and serving patients who need to have magnetic resonance imaging or CAT scans completed.

Business for Zeke’s has slowed to a trickle because of the 2002 opening of Licking County Medical Open MRI in nearby Newark.

Zeke Foeder, owner of the Closed MRI, is hoping a new ‘marketing campaign’ can help save the service before it has to shutter its doors.

"Apparently, most patients don't like having their MRIs in a sarcophagus-like death chamber. That’s why business has been going down the shitter.” Foeder lamented.

To stop the downfall, Foeder has hired his cousin Wyatt and his roommate Todd to craft a new ‘web presence’ for ‘Zeke’s brand.’ The duo paid GoDaddy!.com $4.95 for the URL www.bitchinclosedMRI.com. They’ve also added Zeke’s to the newly-formed MyTightSpace online community, which may or may not be associated with gay sex.

His niece Melanie, 9, and her girl scout troop will be making posters to affix to nearby lamp poles in a ‘guerilla’ advertising effort to draw attention back to the dated service.

Foeder is confident the ‘campaign’ will work.

“If puffy pink letters, winged unicorns, and a character named Kitty Catscan can’t put people at ease about getting a closed MRI, then nothing can.”