Tuesday, December 1

Local man too tired to go on tri-state killing spree.

Pataskala, OH - When Peter Santilli, 48, found out his wife was cheating on him, he was so angry he wanted to grab his gun, get in his car, and drive all night making occasional stops along the way to blow away complete strangers.

But it was already like 11:15PM when Margaret Santilli let the extramarital cat out of the bag, and that's way too late to be out killing innocent people.

“I was angry. Hurt. I felt betrayed. I thought about our three innocent kids.” Santilli said, hoisting a shot of whiskey to his lips. “But I was also pretty friggin’ tired. I had been at work most of the day.”

Margaret Santilli declined to elaborate on her role in all this, only saying, “He was always at work. He didn’t pay attention to my needs. Me. Me. Me.”

A lot more than five lives could have been destroyed in the marital disaster if not for sheer fatigue.