Thursday, February 23

Porn techniques ruining local relationship

Heath, OH — A local man is finding out the hard way that some things only work in the movies.

“Apparently, only porn chicks like to have their vaginas slapped and spit on,” said Jeffrey Shatner, who recently tried the technique on his girlfriend. “Beth completely freaked out.”

Still visibly shaken, Beth said they had just begun to get intimate when Shatner slowly moved down and began “slapping my cootchie like a bongo.” That’s when she looked down and noticed that he was spitting as well.

“Hey, I’m all about mixing it up, but he just looked like a big, naked fly preparing his dinner. Real sexy.”