Heaven – In an exclusive interview with the God-man, Jesus H. Christ told The Ledger how He feels about His impending triumphant return to Earth. And as you might expect from someone absent from the physical world for 2000-someodd years, Jesus revealed there are mixed emotions.
“Things have changed so much since I paid the ultimate price so that you and all who come after you can live.” He said pointing an accusatory finger, then running a holy hand through His hair. “Everything except my hairstyle, that is! But hey, look man, you have to remember, I was rocking this thing at least 1970 years before Dan Fogleberg and all those cats.”
Talking to Jesus, it’s clear He’s a man who enjoys His conversation. And I guess if you’d spent the last two thousand years listening to people ask for money, health, the location of their car keys and what have you, you’d have a lot to say as well.
“The one I’m really tired of is the ‘Oh God, if you can just get me through this latest binge, blah, blah, blah… I swear to you, I’ll never touch another drop again and come to church every Sunday’ … Yeah, right.”
With so much to oversee, Jesus admits it’s hard to stay focused.
“Dude, check these out.” He said, hiking up His toga to reveal the latest Kobe Bryant-endorsed high-tops. “I could’ve run to and from Galilee with these babies on … You wanna play some hoops? I’ll spot you.”
After a few games of HORSE, in which Jesus made miracle shot after miracle shot, including one that involved swallowing the ball and then firing it out His rectum, Jesus shook a few crumbs from his pocket, snapped his fingers, and prepared a 12-course meal.
“Could you pass the blood, my child?” Jesus asked from across the table before waxing nostalgic. “You know who I miss? … Blind lepers. Those guys were messed up, man! I’ll tell you, these 2000-plus years have just flown by. I turn 2042 this year!”
When pressed, Jesus refused to give an exact time for His glorious return.
“I can’t tell you exactly when it’s going to be ... but look busy!” He said, stifling a chuckle. “God, I love that one.”