Local news source finally publishes kid-friendly 'story.'

Heath, OH — Panda Bears. Lollipops. Cotton Candy. The Circus. Teddy Bears. Marshmallows. Lionel Trains. MONKEYS! Ring Around the Rosey. Mother Goose. Race car. Spelling Bee. Nursery Rhymes. Calliope Music. Tricycles. Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches. Legos. Happy Meals. Carousels. Bubble Gum. Handjobs. Blueberry Pancakes. Fireflies. Chocolate Milk. Jonas Brothers. Pig Latin. Candy Bars. Pillow Fight. Snow Angels. Swingset. Birthday Cake. Sandbox. Zoo. Elijah Wood. Trick or Treat. Hot Fudge Sundaes. Dora the Explorer. Sunsets. Butterflies. Bubble Baths. Trampolines.

There. Satisfied?