Wednesday, May 30

Fraternal twins successfully “conjoined.”

Heath, OH - Twin brother and sister George and Georgina Tomlinson, 17, decided to throw caution to the wind and have sex with each other last night. It was the first time for each of them, and two minutes they’ll be able to look back on for the rest of their lives. Especially when you consider that six weeks from now, Georgina will realize she’s carrying George’s baby, and George Senior, a former Golden Gloves boxer and raving, abusive alcoholic with a hair-trigger temper, will come home to find his flesh and blood standing in the middle of the kitchen mesmerized by the “+” on the home pregnancy test in George Junior’s white-knuckled hand. Fumbling to hide the test stick behind his back, and thus dotting the “i” on his metaphorical paternity test, Junior will drop the stick onto the kitchen floor. George Senior will saunter over slowly. He’ll bend to pick up the stick, shake it to remove a trace of his daughter’s urine, and raise it to his eye.  “Well what do we have here?” He’ll say, noticing the “+” before flying off the handle. “I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 17 YEARS AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS?!”