End of nearly century old struggle to completely fuck up healthcare system is finally coming to an end.

Washington, DC – Have another drink. Take up smoking. Sit there and do nothing as usual, America. At long last, ‘affordable’ access to mediocre health care is just a few floor votes and a couple filibusters away.

Soon, you’ll enjoy the same level of dysfunction you’ve grown accustomed to from the likes of the Department of Motor Vehicles, the United States Post Office, FEMA, the DOT, and even the Social Security Administration.

Yeah!

How much is all this going to cost? Not a damn thing — apart from half your paycheck if you work and pay taxes. But that’s only like 43 percent of us. The Chinese are going to pay for the rest so you and yours can keep suckling at the teat!

Your Fortune Cookie lucky number is 2010.

Chest pains? Hemorrhoids? Back ache? Pick a number and take a seat. (Not you, hemorrhoids. You stand.) Tell ‘em what ails ya! You’ll be back in front of the TV in no time!

(Please call to schedule an appointment first. Looks like there will be a couple of inconvenient five-minute slots available in late June.)

Happy New Year! Now bend over and say, “Ahhhhhh.”