By Heath Resident,
Michael K. Fox
Hello. I'm Michael Fox. That's Michael K. Fox not Michael J. Fox. The K is for Kevin, okay? I'm not from Canada. I didn't star in the 'Back to the Future' trilogy. And I wasn't in 'Family Ties.' I'm not even gay. And I certainly, without a good goddamn shadow of a doubt, do NOT have Parkinson's disease.
There. You got it? Good. Now stop asking me about it, telemarketers. Screw you, neighborhood pranksters. Don't bother handing me a paintbrush and asking me to "go wild" anymore. This ends here, today, right now.
Sometimes I wish my name were Michael Jordan or something, you know. Then I could at least answer your questions about basketball. Something I actually like. I hate Parkinson's. It might be the stupidest disease going -- apart from "alcoholism." The shakes. Oooooooh. I'm so scared. Look at me. I'm shaking! I get the fucking shakes when I haven't eaten in a couple hours. You don't see me bitching about it.
Whatever. It's off my chest now. Thanks to the Heath Ledger for letting me put this out there.
Editor's note: Michael K. Fox is a diabetic who has never been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. He did have a chlamydia test once after serving overseas but claims results returned negative.