Thursday, August 12

Man charged with "unarmed" robbery.

Columbus, OH - An attempted heist of a Huntington Bank was thwarted yesterday by the perpetrator’s own genetic defect.

Diego Ramos, 43, a Mexican or Honduran-American, something like that, is seen on surveillance tapes NOT reaching for two bags of money the teller holds out toward him. Tapes also show Ramos getting hit in the chest by the bags, the money spilling to the floor, and Ramos comically running from the scene.

“It was pretty funny.” Detective Anthony Simmons said chuckling, before seeing the tape-recorder and getting serious. “Robbery, of course, armed or otherwise, will not go unpunished.”

“This guy walks over with a piece of paper in his mouth, puts it down on the counter and uses his nose to slide it over to me.” The still-shaken teller said, referring to the barely legible slip of paper Ramos allegedly penned with a foot. “It smelled like Limburger. That’s never good.”

An afternoon press briefing revealed more details.

“Security cameras clearly show Mr. Ramos’s face from multiple angles—having had no arms with which to pull the business end of his ski mask down prior to entering the bank.” Detective Simmons said before fielding questions from the media. “Right now, the suspect is at County General being treated for a bullet wound suffered after failing to put his hands in the air as instructed by arresting officers.”

Ramos is scheduled to raise his right leg and tell nothing but the truth in court tomorrow morning.