Friday, November 5

15 minutes later, German-Chinese restaurant patrons hungry for power

Heath, OH - The China-Haus on Main Street, downtown, is bringing new meaning to the term “power lunch.” 15 minutes or so after you’ve read your sauerkraut fortune cookie, you want to kill someone--just to show them who’s boss.

“I really don’t know how to explain it,” a confused customer said while packing his to-go container with Schnitzel Spring Rolls. “I have an intense desire to rule the fucking world right now! It’s weird. But it feels pretty awesome.”

“That was some good stuff.” Larry Richards said, wiping deep-fried Limburger from the corner of his mouth. “In about 14 minutes I’m going to go back to the office and tell my boss to suck Mein Kampf.”