Are there any good anti-white slurs I could appropriate for my latest hip-hop album?
SUBJECT: Sophisticated Bigotry, or lack thereof.
COMMONTATOR: Derek Piatkowski (a.k.a. MCWickadPolack)
Holla. MCWickadPolack in the house. Yo, all. What up?
I tell you what up wit me. I need to jack up my rhymes wit some dope slang, but all I got is lame-ass shit from way back when.
Black rappers are so lucky. They got the N-word. For reals. They've taken it, and turned that motha inside out. Preverterated that shit. Like a badge of honor.
But let's get real for a second. I want my own n-word to throw back in your face. Problem is, as I see it, you people (that's right, I said "you people") have been frontin' on the white slur front.
Whitey? The best you can do is stick a 'y' on the end of white?
Cracker? Where am I, 1956 Atlanta? A Nabsico factory? That's the sexist equivalent of calling a ho a ho. Ninja, please.
Honky? Only if The Jeffersons were still swampin' teh televitz.
Listen, I'm gonna drop the shiz, so I can all gets real for you. Hardcore.
Let's face it. The whole anti-white bigotry scene is lame. Minorities need to step up their race game — stop messing around at the low end of the racism Bell Curve, if you know what I mean.
Get out of the shallow end of the shallow thinking pool. It's time for all you non-whites to bring it with some new, out-of-the-box insultage. Get hurtful. Take all that shit you've gone through for eons of time and turn it around. Channel it into a white-hot ball of white hate. And then, let if flow. Think of every champagne-colored Camry you've seen in your life. Think about baseball ... Malcolm Gladwell ... Old Navy ... TED Conferences ... Talbot's and Talbot's Petites.
Or just think about the last McDonalds' commercial you saw. I don't how you guys still put up with that condescending shiz.
Or you could just go on talking about my lack of dance moves or my ass inferiority. That's innovative and especially hurtful, believe me.
Go ahead, look up 'white racial slurs' at Urban Dictionary. Mothafucka's not even defined yet!
I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Whites have teams of expert word scientists working round the clock in some Swiss village propagating new horribly derogatory terms for the more pigmented among us. Millions of dollars are being funneled through Chik-Fil-A franchises and Aaron's Rental businesses into this diabolical global effort.
It's sad but true. What do you have? Six guys on a stoop in Milwaukee?
Listen to me. It's not fair. But it never has been. It's going to take a special effort. Think of it as a Million Man March, only with a purpose.
So, get up, take off your bedroom slippers, put your marching boots on, and gets real with the white hatred. Bring it, yo, cuz I can't omnipotize my dope rhymes without that heavy-duty shiz.