Monday, February 11
Pope Benedict 'too old for this shit."
Bringing heretics and demons to justice has taken its toll on Benedict (neé Joseph Ratzinger), 85, and he has decided to turn in his Papal badge for good.
"I'm too old for this shit." he sighed, reminiscing over a photograph of his long-deceased partner Cardinal Detective Lance McSteele.
"Long ago, we owned these streets ... No one crossed us ... well, I mean they did, but not in that way. The Big Captain upstairs has been riding my ass for awhile ... so I thought I'd do him a favor and check out for Monkville."
Benedict felt compelled to show the world that despite his decline, he would able to do "this one last thing." Holstering his "Miracle Maker" 9mm crucifix and strapping on a holy water bandolero, Benedict flashed a somewhat still-youthful grin as he stepped out into the Vatican daylight.
"Time for some exorcize" he grinned, as his gunned his bullet-proof glass encased Popecycle, leaving smoking skidmarks on St. Peter's Square
at 8:23 PM