Wednesday, March 6

Heroic cancer claims another despot.

Caracas, Venezuela — Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez passed away March 5, 2013 at the age of 58 after a long battle with cancer.  His funeral is scheduled for this Friday in Caracas.

Pancreatic cancer killed North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il in December 2011. Chavez is the latest autocratic world leader to suffer justice at the hands of the incurable disease.

Chavez's body will be interred at Nuestra Señora de Pendejos Cemetery. After that, time will take its toll on his remains, slowly churning them into a horrendous stew of rotting flesh and putrid chemicals. 

¡Adios, mofo!
Chavez's 'body' will eventually mix with the underlying sediment, zooplankton and algae.  Layers upon layers of sedimentary rock will settle over Chavez, where intense heat and pressure will build. The resulting organic matter will transform into a waxy material known as kerogen, found in various oil shales around the world, and then with additional heat, into liquid and gaseous hydrocarbons via a process known as catagenesis.  Through the miracle of hydrocarbon pyrolysis, Chavez will be turned into oil. 

After about 1.4 million years, analysts predict what's left of Chavez's organic materials with sell for roughly $38590231491190258993855439580435843.999 per gallon at your local intergalactic Citgo.