Friday, March 1

Scientists create newer, cuter Deschanel.

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA — Genetic scientists have unveiled the newest addition to the delightful Deschanel family of adorable actress/models.

The team at Cal Poly elaborated on how much went into the 18-month project. Inspiration sources ranged from vintage Hello Kitty to Squinkies to LOLCats to the IKEA coat monkey.

The appropriately named "Qutey" (pronounced kyoo-tee), the latest blue-eyed, bob-haired specimen of the Deschanel genetic empire, will make her debut on the NBC's Today show March 4.

We wanted to give her a moniker that really expressed her cuteness, and well, the Q is just for how darned quirky this gal can be!"chimed DNA sequence specialist Mary Bell.

The team believes that this new Deschanel is the best yet.

"Anyone with a heart and a brain is going to fall prey to her charms. She will be an unstoppable force of adorability."

Lead Engineer Dale Zemeckis warned audiences not to overlook the current Deschanels.

"Emily is great. I mean, she's a real beauty with a great sense of humor, poise and style.  Don't even get me started on Zooey — did you see 500 Days of Summer?  Those eyes, that smile, that perky Zooey-ness. Oohhh." Zemeckis beamed.

Qutey is currently meeting with FOX about the development of what production executives tout as "The New New Girl." An ironic-but-fun Thanksgiving album is in the works, as well as a possible President's Day Special.

"You should see this girl in a stovepipe hat ... simply precious!"

Scientists expect that in addition to a prime time television show and independent movie offers, Qutey will be the go-to girl for totally super-cute product endorsements like Fiat, Sanrio, and Keen.