Colorado Springs, CO — (FP) Following an embarrassing month of angry denials and shameful admissions, embattled New Life Minister Ted Haggard is determined to set the record straight and get on with his life.
“I think everyone on God’s green earth is aware that I have sinned. Now I just want to move on. Yes, I used methamphetamine during an illicit meeting with a male prostitute,” Haggard said. “And yes, I was nude during that meeting.”
Haggard then opened himself up to a no-holds-barred question and answer session with reporters regarding his now infamous tryst. When asked what prompted his meeting with the male prostitute, Haggard was uncharacteristically forthcoming. “I’m trying to remember…let me see, I guess it was about noon when I got to feeling horny, so I closed the door to my office and gave my nipples a little tug…you know…like this,” Haggard moaned while twisting his nipples. “Then I did what I always do. I got down on my knees and prayed to the Lord Jesus Christ to deliver me from my salacious, ungodly desires. Then I masturbated really hard. Twenty minutes later I was buck-naked, staring at the business end of a foil pipe loaded with meth. Next question?”
When asked how his penchant for male prostitutes and meth will affect his faith, Haggard was short and to the point. “I will never…ever…stop loving the Lord. Even when I’m…you know…(at this point, Haggard stopped talking and began leering at a young male FP reporter for roughly a minute. It should also be noted that Haggard appeared to have an erection) …Shoot, now where was I? Oh yeah…I love the Lord. Always have, always will.”