WALLA WALLA, Washington — Seeking to end rampant speculation whether or not a small detail in a NASA probe photo of the surface of the planet Mars is indeed a Sasquatch-like creature and not a wind-carved rock -- as researchers on the project have speculated -- Bigfoot held a press conference yesterday in downtown Walla Walla.
"That's me. I vacation there all the time." the legendary behemoth growled. "Sometimes you just gotta get away from all the trees ... and the stress of the forest. You know, the constant drone of crickets. Babbling brooks. Bird shit. It can really wear on a guy."
NASA countered the conspiratorial public reaction to the photo by suggesting it may be nothing more than a wind-carved rock on the surface of the red planet.
"I understand Bigfoot's motivation to gain publicity from this pseudo-discovery, but frankly, he's really embarrassing himself this time." responded NASA scientist Erich Von Schefflen.
"I may be a rock", Sasquatch joked, showing off his washboard-like abs, "but I am certainly not wind-carved." He then kissed his biceps and flashed a glowing smile for the cameras. "This is all from my special new Redwood Workout. It'll be out on DVD in March."
To further prove his point, Bigfoot made reference to the famed 1967 16mm film shot by amateur Sasquatch hunters Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin at Six Rivers National Park in northern California.
"Go to the Patterson-Gimlin film of me in '67" said Bigfoot of his debut appearance.. "See that saunter thing I do? That's what I'm doin' on Mars, bitches, struttin' my stuff." Bigfoot then stepped from behind the podium to demonstrate his telltale gait.
Bigfoot's big breakthrough came in 1987's Harry and the Hendersons, in which he played Harry, a forest creature who takes up residence with a suburban family. Critics deride Bigfoot's performance as 'pedestrian' and 'not a stretch.'
"He's like Bruce Willis or John Wayne, always playing himself." Gene Shalit remarked at the time of the film's debut.
Although Von Schefflen admits to enjoying Bigfoot on an entertainment level, he laments the hirsute giant's latest efforts to claim a part of the spotlight. "It's just a freakin' rock, people!"
Bigfoot's previous public venture was in a series of television commercials for Jack Link's Beef Jerky, in which he ultimately terrorizes humans who taunt him.
"Let's face it. We're all in this credit crunch thing. I've got bills to pay. You think going to Mars is cheap?"
