Heath, OH — Without his eyeglasses, Heath resident Pernell Marks is almost legally blind.
Marks' vision issues recently turned a routine eyewear cleaning into a homoerotic misunderstanding. Much to his heterosexual chagrin, Marks fell in love, albeit briefly, with fellow xy-chromosomed human Kyle Bledsoe.
Bledsoe, 17, was out skateboarding with a few friends when the incident occurred.
Some would say it was love at first 'nearsight.' To make matters worse, Marks let loose with his signature wolf whistle, followed by his signature cat call — "Hey there babycakes!"
Bledsoe turned to see the 57-year old Marks repeatedly thrusting his pelvis in his general direction.
"I was like, dude, who's the NAMBLA perv?"
Marks then put on his glasses, and realized the error of his nearly blind ways.
Upon realizing the object of his affection was "one of those damned longhairs" Marks cursed his "crippled eyes" and vowed to never remove his glasses in public ever again, lest he be once more fooled by the vagaries of androgyny.