Whatevergate ...

By Janice Carothers
Junior, Heath High School 

Heath, OH — Hey everybody! Hope you missed me as much as I missed you! Guess what? I’m stuck in like summer school or whatever like I’m some kind of dummy, but whatevs. At least Jordan McCallum is here wearing hot shirts sands sleeves. He’s so hot it makes me want to totally fail History, like, all the time you know.

So, I’m taking American History X or 1900s or something. I mean it’s like ancient History, right? It’s totally boring — it makes me want to cut myself like Demi Lovato. But whatever, at least I can use it for a new column here or whatever. So my failure is like your success or something. Congratulations!

So we’re learning about Richard Tollhouse Nixon, the 58th president of our awesomely United States. He totally wanted to be re-erected, which sounds gross — I mean, just take some Viagra or something dude! Yuck. So he started acting like a CREEP, which sounds like Blake Bergesen — he’s a total douchebag who once tried to French kiss me at Julie Morris’s pool party. But he, like must have barfed a whole bag of Funyuns like milliseconds before because it was like tongue wrestling with one of those blossoming onion thingys from one of those Out Back Restaurants. It was gross with a capital G-R-O-C-E!

So this Toolhouse guy, who made like awesome cookies, like the best since Sara Lee was First Lady for that General Lee dude, made these plumbers rob a hotel. It turns out they left the water running and like, totally flooded the place.

The water even went out the gate so instead of like, Motel 6 or whatever, they called the place Water Gates.

Duh, they’re plumbers — I mean how smart can they be? Anywho, this total baldy named Gordon Gee Libby, who made like vegetables or something in the 50s or whatever, well he was one of the plumbers who went to jail for yapping on phones or whatever. Then, he was like on the radio for awhile. Now, he's like, selling autographs at Ohio State and wearing bow ties — yuck!

Anywho, Nixon was still like President even though he ruined a hotel and put bugs in people’s ears like this Kahn guy in Star Wars my cousin Teddy told me about. Disgusting. Total creep — like I said. So Nixon had like really bad manners **DUh** and was excuse me to the next Presidential dude, this Ford guy who made cars and fell down a lot.

Politics! It’s like all Roman to me or whatever. I mean, I'd rather learn about something really old, like who invented Seinfeld.

So, like I’m going to keep going to summer school and totally checking out Jordan McCallum. You’re welcome!