Area man dies inside because Harry Potter lives.

German Village, OH — A popular children's book series. Eight blockbuster films. A worldwide total gross in the neighborhood of $6.3 billion dollars.  Global media coverage. Obsessed fandom.

For unassuming orchestra conductor Mort Volde, the world of Harry Potter has become his own. And he hates it.

You see, Mortimer Volde appears in any phone directory as Volde, Mort, the book and film series' dark and mysterious villain.

"Practically every day, any time of the day. I get the calls ... 'Hey Dark Lord, it's just me. How's it hanging?' ... 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, keep your hands off my wand' ... 'Lord You-Know-Who,  it's Ron Weasley, how's about a three-way with Hermione?' ... that kind of juvenile shit."

Attempts to keep his phone number unpublished have proved fruitless.  "Those bastards keep finding me."

The phone number is not the only problem facing the similarly-named reclusive German Villager.

"I lost the tip of my nose in a gambling incident, when I was young and foolish." Volde reluctantly admits.  He also suffers from alopecia, making him bald, and virtually hairless.

The "Dark Lord" loves his fudge, conducting.

But the similarities don't end there. Volde is also a victim of hyperhidrosis, which causes excessive sweating from certain body areas.

"Combine that with my sensitive skin and my Vitamin D allergy, and I have to don long robes if I even want to go outside." Volde laments.  As luck would have it, his favorite color is black.

A quick scan of his mantle reveals Volde finished second in a Ralph Fiennes sound-alike contest four years ago.  A part-time orchestra conductor, Volde keeps a collection of wands on hand.

"Those are fucking batons, okay — let's be clear. Batons!"

Still, Volde looks forward to a time when he can enjoy life free from the constant reminders of Hogwarts and the like.

"They should just kill the whiny douche. End it. Better yet, someone kill me. Please."

Outside of a complete makeover, numerous medical procedures, plastic surgery, and name change, there's little solace in store for Volde, even though the popular film series officially comes to an end this Friday with the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2.