Oakland, CA — The Oakland Raiders could be playoff-bound this season, but doubts about the organization's direction and future loom after a series of suspect player moves.
Head Coach and acting General Manager Hue Jackson often wonders aloud about his personnel decisions, leading to many in the organization to believe he's being inhabited by a higher power.
That power? The ghost of former Raiders owner and GM Al Davis.
"I was suddenly compelled to trade our 2019, 2020, and 2021 first round draft picks for the rights to negotiate with Dennis Haysbert. Now, Dennis Haysbert is an amazing actor, but he doesn't even fucking play football!" Jackson lamented. "What in the world of holy hell am I doing?"
Jackson stunned the NFL world by dealing the Raiders 2012 first round pick and a conditional second rounder (which could become another first round pick) to the Cincinnati Bengals for aging quarterback Carson Palmer. While Palmer has improved the Raiders' passing attack for the time being, several experts think the Raiders "lost" the deal with the Bengals, and mortgaged their long-term future for dubitable short-term gain.
Jackson confides that sometimes, Davis does speak to him.
I hear him moaning in my sleep "Speed ... speed ... speed ... change my diapers!"
Not only has Jackson assumed Davis's appetite for horribly mismanaging an NFL roster, he's also taken on other Davis-like qualities.
He now wears velour tracksuits and ostentatious gold jewelry. Despite 20/20 vision, he dons reading glasses. He also has a bad habit of coaching from a sideline wheelchair, even though he is perfectly ambulatory.
In another bout of questionable decision-making, the Raiders recently signed three year-old colt and third place Kentucky Derby finisher Mucho Macho Man to a 4-year, $29 million contract.
"We've got him for kick coverage. He's lights out after the 45 yard line."
Jackson then buried his head in his hands and began weeping uncontrollably.
"Someone get me Renaldo Nehemiah on the phone. Quick!"