Northfield, IL — Correcting a decades-long oversight, Kraft Foods has announced that it was adding fruit options to it's popular line of Oscar Mayer brand Lunchables lunchtime favorites.
A slightly-healthier version of the pre-packaged meals hit shelves seven months ago, but still draw the ire of nutritional experts who see the meals as part of the problem, not a new solution in the fight against childhood obesity.
Even Lunchables Product Manager Walter Stolls contends that Lunchables are probably "not the way to go" for Moms looking to boost their children's nutritional intake.
"I thought we had a fruit compartment? Yes?"
Stolls was shocked to learn that over the past 23 years, Kraft's Lunchables Planning and Processing departments neglected to fill said fruit compartment with any kind of discernable fruit.
"This one contains a Hershey Zero bar ... is that a fruit?" asked Stolls.
When informed that the Zero bars were from leftover Iraq War K-rations and could not be legally defined as fruit, Stolls was dumbfounded.
"You mean we've been leaving the fruit spot empty all these years? Holy shit ... I'm honestly surprised the FDA wasn't all over our asses. I mean, look at the crap we put in these things."
Stolls confided that only "35.7%" of Lunchables are actually suitable for lunch.
Lori Rogers-Blakely (formerly Lori Rogers-Furmano, formerly Lori Rogers) of the Cafeteria Under Nutrition Taskforce (formerly the School Lunch Under-nutrition Team) still isn't pleased with Kraft's lack of progress on the healthy lunch front.
"In order to get minimum daily fiber from a Lunchable, I'd have to eat the cardboard packaging."
"Boo-hoo." replied Stolls, who did later admit that despite Rogers-Blakely's antagonism towards Lunchables products, she was totally "do-able."