Friday, March 15

Beware the
March of Dimes!

By Janice Carothers
Senior, Heath High School 

Heath, OH — Hey you guys!

Today we'll be learning about Romans. These are the dudes that had toga parties and invented Trojan condoms, although not necessarily in that order.  They had like kindergarten bowl cuts and killed Jesus, too! Nice going, ancient Italians!

Romans also ruled the world for awhile and enslavened thousands of people to build their totally lame empire before they ruined it. I mean, have you seen the Colluseum?  It's where they held basketball tryouts and made Gladiator movies! Like I said ... lame. Now, it's all ruins. It's like, duh, take care of things already.

They should've just used Sim City and saved everyone the trouble.

But they have made college more fun, so they're not all bad, right?  I can't wait for college. Talk about "higher learning" heh heh.  But I can't go until I have all of my credits and pass my radiation test.  I mean, what the hizzay?  Jordan McCallum totally dropped out of school and is going to LA (you know, the city of angles) to be acting. He's a real good actor, too, since he made Emily McManus totally cry about something and she was all upset and almost o-d'd on birth control pills and he was all like "psyke ... I was acting like that" and we were all like OMGTG, which means Oh my god Totally Gay, but not like gay being bad, but being kind of cool — like House Hunters and marriage ecology and loft apartment and pet bulldog cool.  I hope he remembers me when he is all rich and famous and totally NOT dating Taylor Swift, but whatevs.

Okay, back to these Roman dudes.

Well, their head dude was this guy named Doctor Julius Earvan Ceaser, and everyone loved him and gave him, like, flowers to wear on his head, and let him totally be their ruler and stuff.  He made great salads, apparently, and they were all like, hey — could you put some dressing on this for me it's kind of dry and he was like, sure, here is some awesome dressing I made from vinegar and tiny fish (gross!) and thought he was great until Shakespeare told everyone he was dumb and kind of ruining everything being bossy.  That Shakespeare guy really got around! But that's for another column. (I hope!)

So, there was this other guy named Broodus who was like sad in a sexy way, and he was upset about this Doctor J being so good (remember - colesium and basketball tryouts?) so he stabbed him 412 times right on the floor of the United States Senate.  What? That's crazy ... you would think that would come up in American history or whatever!

Anyway, this all happened because someone told him to Beware the March of Dimes! which is totally true because I hate when they won't leave me alone and bug me about stronger, healthier babies. Duh. Babies are supposed to be weak because they are babies, people! Making hulk babies will upset the balance of the universe, and we'll end up just like the Romanses, with their really old buildings and dead language! Who wants to end up ancient? That's just, like, as bad as wearing clothes from Sears.

Anywho, my editor said if you care about weak babies and junk, you should probably donate some money here.