Monday, December 7

Offseason workouts pay off for Salvation Army bell-ringer.

WESTERVILLE, OH - Veteran Salvation Army Bell-ringer Alonzo Plas, 52, really bulked up this offseason and it’s translating into more donations than ever before.

“I do feel a lot stronger. It’s like I’m ringing two bells out there, to be honest. Just yesterday a guy dropped $10 into the pot just to get me to quiet down.”

Plas developed his exercise program one late, lonely Friday evening after masturbating into the family toilet.

“I thought, man, what a quick easy way to strengthen those bell ringing muscles. As long as I don’t go blind in the process, that is!”

When he’s not feeling up to it or has a headache, Plas uses Shake-Weights to mimic that feverish bell-ringing motion.

“I’ll crank out a few sets before bed every night. Helps me get to sleep. My body needs to recover.”