"Buck stops around this general proximity." claims Duchovny.
In his latest move to shore up leadership positions within his fledgling administration, President Obama appointed actor David Duchovny as the first ever Czar Czar. As the premier head Czar,Duchovny 's main role will be to oversee the myriad other Czars working within the administration.
"The Car Czar, The Drug Czar, The War Czar, the The War on Drugs Czar, The Media Czar, The Hair Czar, The Horse Czar, The Housing Czar, The Tax Evasion Czar, The Frozen Confections Czar and The Dancing Czar are all under my direct or indirect control, I think."
Duchnovy brings absolutely no experience to the position of Czar Czar, not being a member of the 19th century ruling class of Russia nor being any royalty of any lineage in history. He's never even played a Czar on television. His only qualification is that his last name sounds vaguely Russian. But Duchovny sees this as a feature, not a flaw.
"I bring a fresh perspective to the entire concept of Czaring ... I mean, we can't let them overstep their bounds and be autocratic or despotic. That's not how Czars around here roll. There's a lot of give and take with our Serfs."
Duchovny's first action under his new title was to hold "CzarFest '09" — a week-long retreat in the Adirondacks — to make sure all of the Czars are on the same page. He said most were very accommodating of his ideas, but that the nation's inaugural Dancing Czar Debbie Allen wasn't afraid to speak up.
"She's got a lot spunk, and her own thoughts on how to do things ... and she carries around that ... stick."
Duchovny then cowered under his desk for 11 minutes, and was only coaxed out to finish the interview with a Creamsicle.
Still, Duchovny is confident that as Czar Czar he can bring things in line so that the entire Administration Czarama works as planned.
"A lot of them are new to this Czar stuff, so I have to make sure they all know how to Czar."